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LETTER THE FIRST
第一封信
Madam,
I sit down to give you an undeniable proof of my considering your desires as indispensable orders. Ungracious then as the task may be, I shall recall to view those scandalous stages of my life, out of which I emerged, at length, to the enjoyment of every blessing in the power of love, health and fortune to bestow; whilst yet in the flower of youth, and not too late to employ the leisure afforded me by great ease and affluence, to cultivate an understanding, naturally not a despicable one, and which had, even amidst the whirl of loose pleasures I had been tossed in, exerted more observation on the characters and manners of the world than what is common to those of my unhappy profession, who, looking on all though or reflection as their capital enemy, keep it at as great a distance as they can, or destroy it without mercy.
毋庸置疑，您的请求对我来说是难以拒绝的旨意，我坐下写这封信即是证明。这项差事可能是不讨人喜欢的，我要回忆、检视过去的一段不光彩的生活，彼时，我纵情享受着情爱、健康和财富赋予我的种种欢愉乐事；我也要趁着年华正好，趁着还不太晚，用这段优渥舒适的生活带给我的闲暇时光来写出一种看法，当然这看法并不可鄙，它让我的目光更多地转向人间世相，就算沉湎在那些欲仙欲死的愉悦里时也不例外。这看法与我那些凄惨同行对世事素来的看法不同，她们对之要么漠不关心，要么充满深仇大恨，一有可能就避之不迭，或者无情地贬低诽谤它。
Hating, as I mortally do, all long unnecessary prefaces, I shall give you good quarter in this, and use no farther apology, than to prepare you for seeing the loose part of my life, written with the same liberty that I led it.
我极度讨厌长而无当的序言，因此只略述几句，以下则再无辩白来让你做好心理准备，一窥我任性笔端下的那段放纵时光。
Truth! stark, naked truth, is the word; and I will not so much as take the pains to bestow the strip of a gauze wrapper on it, but paint situations such as they actually rose to me in nature, careless of violating those laws of decency that were never made for such unreserved intimacies as ours; and you have too much sense, too much knowledge of the originals, to sniff prudishly and out of character at the pictures of them. The greatest men, those of the first and most leading taste, will not scruple adorning their private closets with nudities, though, in compliance with vulgar prejudices, they may not think them decent decorations of the staircase, or salon.
我写下的是真相！全然直白的真相；我甚至于不会费心替它们遮掩上些许薄纱，只会描摹心之所想，不在乎触犯体面高雅的准则，我们坦荡荡的亲昵行为从不受那些准则的束缚；您自有足够的理由和成见惊讶于这副图景，继而一脸正经地鄙夷它。那些最了不起的大人物，那些顶有品味、顶时髦的先生遵从大众鄙俗的偏见，可能认为在楼梯旁或会客厅里摆上裸体雕像是不正派的，然而在私人盥洗室里装饰上裸体，他们却不觉有何不妥。
This, and enough, premised, I go souse into my personal history. My maiden name was Frances Hill. I was born at a small village near Liverpool, in Lancashire, of parents extremely poor, and, I piously believe, extremely honest.
这些，就是我要说在开头的话。现在我要沉浸到对往事的回忆中。我娘家姓是弗朗西斯﹒希尔，出生在兰开夏州利物浦近旁一个小村子里，家境贫寒，而且我打心眼里认为我的双亲都是老实巴交的人。
My father, who had received a maim on his limbs, that disabled him from following the more laborious branches of country drudgery, got, by making nets, a scanty subsistence, which was not much enlarged by my mother's keeping a little day-school for the girls in her neighborhood. They had had several children; but none lived to any age except myself, who had received from nature a constitution perfectly healthy.
我父亲生来肢体残疾，干不了粗重的农活，靠织网勉强糊口，我母亲在邻近一所不大的女校教书，所得也很微薄。他俩有过几个孩子，只有我一个人活了下来——我天生有着一副好身体。
My education, till past fourteen, was no better than very vulgar: reading, or rather spelling, an illegible scrawl, and a little ordinary plain work, composed the whole system of it; and then all my foundation in virtue was no other than a total ignorance of vice, and the shy timidity general to our sex, in the tender age of life, when objects alarm or frighten more by their novelty than anything else. But then, this is a fear too often cured at the expense of innocence, when Miss, by degrees, begins no longer to look on a man as a creature of prey that will eat her.
到十四岁上，我受的教育也少得可怜——有些许阅读能力，更确切地说，只是识得一些词，写得一手东倒西歪的字，余者就只是一些平平无奇的知识罢了。由此我所有的美德不过是天真无邪，加上女孩常有的腼腆。在幼年，新奇的事物总是让人骇怕的，然而当少女们逐渐开始明白，男人其实不会一口把她们吞了，她们的恐惧症也就不治而愈，付出的代价是从此不再纯洁。
My poor mother had divided her time so entirely between her scholars and her little domestic cares, that she had spared very little to my instruction, having, from her own innocence from all ill, no hint or thought of guarding me against any.
I was now entering on my fifteenth year, when the worst of ills befell me in the loss of my fond, tender parents, who were both carried off by the small-pox, within a few days of each other; my father dying first, and thereby by hastening the death of my mother: so that I was now left an unhappy friendless orphan (for my father's coming to settle there, was accidental, he being originally a Kentisrman). That cruel distemper which had proved so fatal to them, had indeed seized me, but with such mild and favourable symptoms, that I was presently out of danger, and what then I did not know the value of, was entirely unmarked I skip over here an account of the natural grief and affliction which I felt on this melancholy occasion. A little time, and the giddiness of that age, dissipated too soon my reflections on that irreparable loss; but nothing contributed more to reconcile me to it, than the notions that were immediately put into my head, of going to London, and looking out for a service, in which I was promised all assistance and advice from one Esther Davis, a young woman that had beer down to see her friends, and who, after the stay of a few days, was returned to her place.
十五岁时，噩运降临到我身上，我慈爱的双亲染上了天花，在几天时间里相继离世，我父亲走在前头，随后我母亲也匆匆撒手人寰；于是我成了个凄惨无依的孤女（我父亲在此地定居纯属偶然，他本是肯特郡人）。我也没能逃过那场让他们死于非命的天花，幸好病情算是轻微，不久即脱离危险，也没有留下任何后遗症（那时我还不知道这点对我有多重要）。在此我不打算赘述这次意外给我带来的悲伤与痛苦。只是一点儿时间，再加上那个年纪的懵懂无常，就很快驱散了父母双亡带给我的阴影；不过真正让我平复伤痛的，要数不久后的一个念头——到伦敦去，找份工作。一位芳名埃丝特·戴维斯的年轻女人答应会提点我，给我出主意。她之前数次去伦敦看望朋友，此次她盘桓数日就会回到家中。
As I had now nobody left alive in the village, who had concerned enough about what should become of me, to start any objections to this scheme, and the woman who took care of me after my parents' death, rather encouraged me to pursue it, I soon came to a resolution of making this launch into the wide world, by repairing to London, in order to seek my fortune, a phrase which, by the bye, has ruined more adventurers of both sexes, from the country, than ever it made or advanced.
我在村里已没了亲人，没人关心我的前途，也没人反对这个打算。父母过世后照料我的那个妇人当然撺掇我去。我旋即下定决心要去外面的世界试试运气，运气这个词——顺便说一句——毁了多少从乡下走出去的男男女女，得偿所愿的人则寥寥无几。
Nor did Esther Davis a little comfort and inspirit me to venture with her, by piquing my childish curiosity with the fine sights that were to be seen in London: the Tombs, the Lions, the King, the Royal Family, the fine Plays and Operas, and, in short, all the diversions which fell within her sphere of life to come at; the detail of all which perfectly turned the little head of me.
埃丝特·戴维斯也热心地让我跟她一块儿去。她把伦敦描绘成一幅好光景——墓园、狮子、国王、皇室，精彩的演出和歌剧，简言之，伦敦派头的消遣应有尽有；这激起了我幼稚的好奇心，也占满了我的小脑袋瓜。
Nor can I remember, without laughing, the innocent admiration, not without a spice of envy, with which we poor girls, whose church-going clothes did not rise above dowlas shifts and stuff gowns, beplaced with silver: all which we imagined grew in London, and entered for a great deal into my determination of trying to come in for my share of them.
我们这些穷姑娘，上教堂的衣裳也不过是些土布衣服和粗呢袍子，见到埃丝特的绸缎裙、花边帽、花里胡哨的丝带和镶着银边的鞋子真是羡慕不已，而且不无嫉妒：我们以为这都是伦敦长出来的。于是我铁了心要去那儿享用它们。如今想来这念头委实可笑。
The idea however of having the company of a towns-woman with her, was the trivial, and all the motives that engaged Esther to take charge of me during my journey to town, where she told me, after the manner and style, "as how several maids out of the country had made themselves and all their kind for ever: that by preserving their virtue, some had taken so with their masters, that they had married them, and kept them coaches, and lived vastly grand and happy; and some, may-hap, came to be Duchesses; luck was all, and why not I, as well as another?"; with other almanacs to this purpose, which set me a tip-toe to begin this promising journey, and to leave a place which, though my native one, contained no relations that I had reason to regret, and was grown insupportable to me, from the change of the tenderest usage into a cold air of charity, with which I was entertained, even at the only friend's house that I had the least expectation of care and protection from. She was, however, so just to me, as to manage the turning into money the little matters that remained to me after the debts and burial charges were allowed for, and, at my departure, put my whole fortune into my hands; which consisted of a very slender wardrobe, packed up in a very portable box, and eight guineas, with seventeen shillings in silver, stowed in a spring-pouch, which was a greater treasure than I ever had seen together, and which I could not conceive there was a possibility of running out; and indeed, I was so entirely taken up with the joy of seeing myself mistress of such an immence sum, that I gave very little attention to a world of good advice which was given me with it.
埃丝特带上我可能并不是为了有个女同乡和她做伴，然而个中缘由我却没多想。在路上，她先是高雅矜持了一会儿，随后就跟我说，有一些乡下姑娘出人头地了，她们的亲戚也跟着沾光——都因她们守住贞操，然后把处女之身献给了东家，东家因此娶了她们，让她们出入有马车，过上了锦衣玉食的好日子；走运的话，有的还成了贵妇人；只要交好运就成，我为什么就不能像她们一样？接着她又举出几桩事例。由此我踏上了前途光明的旅程，离开了那个算是我家乡的地方，那儿我没有亲友可挂念，过得也很难，从前的慈爱呵护变成冷冰冰的施舍，就算在唯一的朋友家里，我也指望不上有人关怀我保护我。不管怎么说，埃丝特算是待我不薄了，还帮着我变卖还债和料理丧事后仅剩的家当，并在临行时把这些财产交到我手上；小手提箱里的几件衣裳，还有小提袋里的8畿尼和17先令的银角子——我从未见过这么多钱，觉得一辈子也花不完；事实上，想到自己是这笔财富的主人，我就乐得忘乎所以，以至于完全忽略了别人嘱咐我好好处置这笔钱的忠告。
Places, then, being taken for Esther and me in the Chester waggon, I pass over a very immaterial scene of leave-taking, at which I droped a few tears betwixt grief and joy; and, for the same reasons of insignificance, skip over all that happened to me on the road, such as the waggoner's looking liquorish on me, the schemes laid for me by some of the passengers, which were defeated by the valiance of my guardian Esther; who, to do her justice, took a motherly care of me, at the same time that she taxed me for the protection by making me bear all travelling charges, which I defrayed with the unmost cheerfulness, and thought myself much obliged to her into the bargain.
随后，埃丝特和我就坐在了切斯特的公共马车里，送别的场面没什么好说的，我只是洒了几滴又悲又喜的眼泪而已。同样，路上发生的事也没什么值得一书，不过是马车夫不怀好意地盯着我，别的旅客七嘴八舌帮我出些主意，这些，我的监护人埃丝特统统勇敢地替我应付了。她像我母亲一样非常负责地照料我；同时，她自己也从保护我的差事中得了好处，因为我一心觉得她是我的恩人并心甘情愿支付了所有的旅费。
She took indeed great care that we were not overrated, or imposed on, as well as of managing as frugally as possible; expensiveness was not her vice.
她很堤防被人敲竹杠，而且尽可能地节省开支，并没有挥霍浪费。
It was pretty late in a summer evening when we reached the town, in our slow conveyance, though drawn by six at length. As we passed through the greatest streets that led to our inn, the noise, of the coaches, the hurry, the crowds of foot passengers, in short, the new scenery of the shops and houses, at once pleased and amazed me.
我们乘的车虽然有6匹马在拉，一路还是行得很慢，那个夏日我们抵达伦敦时，天色已很晚了。在去往旅馆的路上我们经过了漂亮的街道、喧嚣的车马、熙攘的人群，总之，满眼没见过的商店和房舍立刻让我又兴奋又惊奇。
But guess at my mortification and surprise when we came to the inn, and our things were landed and delivered to us, when my fellow traveller and protectress, Esther Davis, who had used me with the utmost tenderness during the journey, and prepared me by no preceedings signs for the stunning blow I was to receive, when I say, my only dependence and friend, in this strange place, all of a sudden assumed a strange and cool air towards me, as if she dreaded my becoming a burden to her.
但是你一定想不到，到了旅馆后有什么意外的窘境在等着我。我们的行李都卸下后，我的同伴、保护人，在旅途中待我如此亲切的埃丝特·戴维斯，冷不丁给了我一个大大的打击，我的意思是说，在这个陌生的地方，我唯一的依靠和朋友突然对我疏远和冷淡起来，就好像她在担心我会成为她的累赘。
Instead, then, of proffering me the continuance of her assistance and good offices, which I relied upon, and never more wanted, she thought herself, it seems, abundantly acquitted of her engagements to me, by having brought me safe to my journey's end, and seeing nothing in her procedure towards me but what natural and in order, began to embrace me by the way of taking leave, whilst I was so confounded, so struck, that I had not spirit or sense enough so much as to mention my hopes or expectations from her experience, and knowledge of the place she had brought me to.
除了依赖她的照顾，我别无所求。可她似乎觉得将我安全送达旅馆已完全履行了自己的职责，再无必要在我身上花心思了，于是自然而然按章办事地给了我临别的拥抱。我惊慌失措，方寸大乱，都没想到自己该向她请教一些这个城市的事情。
Whilst I stood thus stupid and mute, which she doubtless attributed to nothing more than a concern at parting, this idea procured me perhaps a slight alleviation of it, in the following harangue: "That now we were got safe to London, and that she was obliged to go to her place, she advised me by all means to get into one as soon as possible; that I need not fear getting one; there were more places than parish-churches; that she advised me to go to an intelligence office; that if she heard of any thing stirring, she would find me out and let me know; that in the meantime, I should take a private lodging, and acquaint her where to send to me; that she wished me good luck, and hoped I should always have the grace to keep myself honest, and not bringing a disgrace on my parentage." With this; she took her leave of me, and left me, as it were, on my own hands, full as lightly as I had been put into hers.
无疑除了临别寒暄，她再无别的可给我了。我呆若木鸡地站在那儿，多少让我得了点安慰的，是她以下这番说辞——现在我们已安全抵达伦敦，她也得忙自己的事，我要想办法尽快找份差事，这没什么可怕的；除了教区教堂，我还可以去劳工市场；如果她有什么好消息，就会来告诉我；这当儿，我要自己找个住处并告知她地址，好让她能找到我。她还祝我好运，希望我能始终保持诚实的美德，别让自己逝去的父母蒙羞。就在这席临别赠言里，她和我道了别,就像当初我轻率地投靠了她，如今她也轻易地抛下了我一个人。
Left thus alone, absolutely destitute and friendless I began then to feel most bitterly the severity of this separation, the scene of which had passed in a little room in the inn; and no sooner was her back turned, but the affliction I felt at my helpless strange circumstances, burst out into a flood of tears, which infinitely relieved the oppression of my heart; though I still remained stupified, and most perfectly perplexed how to dispose of myself.
就这样，我孑然一身，穷困无靠了，在旅馆的小房间里，我开始对这离别伤心透顶。她才刚离去，周遭完全陌生无助的环境就让我大哭了一场，哭完心里好过了些，然而还是神思恍惚，完全不知道该拿自己怎么办。
One of the waiters coming in, added yet more to my uncertainty, by asking me, in a short way, if I called for anything? to which I replied innocently: "No." But I wished him to tell me where I might get a lodging for that night. He said he would go and speak to his mistress, who accordingly came, and told me drily, without entering in the least into the distress she saw me in, that I might have a bed for a shilling, and that, as she supposed I had some friends in town (there I fetched a deep sigh in vain!), I might provide for myself in the morning.
这时有个侍应进来了，问了一句我是否需要什么东西？我更加局促，傻傻地回答：「不需要。」但我请他告诉我晚上能在哪过夜。他答应这就去问问老板娘。随后老板娘就驾临了，对我的悲痛视而不见，态度冷淡地让我付一先令住宿费，又说想必我在城里还有些朋友（听到这儿，我徒劳地叹了口气），明早就有办法安顿自己了。
It is incredible what trifling consolations the human mind will seize in its greatest afflictions. The assurance of nothing more than a bed to lie on that night, calmed my agonies; and being ashamed to acquaint the mistress of the inn that I had no friends to apply to in town, I proposed to myself to proceed, the very next morning, to an intelligence office, to which I was furnished with written directions on the back of a ballad, Esther had given me. There I counted on getting information of any place that such a country girl as I might be fit for, and where I could get into any sort of being, before my little stock should be consumed; and as to a character, Esther had often repeated to me, that I might depend on her managing me one; nor, however affected I was at her leaving me thus, did I entirely cease to rely on her, as I began to think, good-naturedly, that her procedure was all in course, and that is was only my ignorance of life that had made me take it in the light I at first did.
人在最悲痛的时候，只需要一点点安慰就能支撑下去。那晚有张床让我栖身，仅仅是这一点安心就让我的情绪平息下来。我羞愧地告诉老板娘说我并没有可以投靠的亲友，同时决心第二天一早去劳工市场。我手里有一份埃丝特给的指示，写在一张纸的背面，我指望在那点钱花完之前能找到一份活儿，适合我这样的乡下姑娘做的，什么都行。至于我的推荐信，埃丝特常对我说，还得指望她给我弄一份，尽管她那样离去伤透了我的心，我还是没完全放弃对她的依赖。我开始善解人意地想，她这么做合情合理，是我的年少无知让自己一开始对她抱有不切实际的幻想。
Accordingly, the next morning I dressed myself as clean and as neat as my rustic wardrobe would permit me; and having left my box, with special recommendation, with the landlady, I ventured out by myself, and without any more difficulty than can be supposed of a young country girl, barely fifteen, and to whom every sign or shop was a gazing trap, I got to the wished for intelligence office.
于是，第二天早上，我穿上乡下人最好的衣裳，梳洗齐整，把行李留在旅馆嘱托老板娘替我照管，便独自出了门。一个年经的乡下姑娘，才刚15岁，对她来说，这街上的每块招牌，每间店铺都是虎视眈眈的陷阱，这真是有生以来最大的难关。我就这样抱着希望去了劳工市场。
It was kept by an elderly woman, who sat at the receipt of custom, with a book before her in great form and order, and several scrolls made out, of directions for places.
经营者是个老妇人，她坐在接待处的柜台后，面前搁着一本讲究的登记册，装订整齐，还有几本册子，上面登着些地址。
I made up then to this important personage, without lifting up my eyes or observing any of the people round me, who were attending there on the same errand as myself, and dropping her curtsies nine deep, just made a shift to stammer out my business to her.
于是我朝这大人物走去，不敢抬眼看她，也不敢看周围那些跟我一样来这儿碰运气的人。我对她行了个深深的屈膝礼，憋足了劲儿结结巴巴地道明来意。
Madam heard me out, with all the gravity and brow of a petty minister of State, and seeing at one glance over my figure what I was, made me no answer, but to ask me the preliminary shilling, on receipt of which she told me places for women too slight built for hard work: but that she would look over her book, and see what was to be done for me, desiring me to stay a little, till she had dispatched some other customers.
这女士一脸严肃听完了我的话，那副神情活像个小官儿。她瞥了我一眼，没答我，却让我先交一先令，接过钱才跟我说给女人干的活儿不多，而我的小身板又不大适合干重活。但她答应好好查查登记册，看有没有什么合适我的，又让我在边上等会儿，她要先办其它顾客的事。
On this I drew back a little, most heartily mortified at a declaration which carried with it a killing uncertainly, that my circumstances could not well endure.
听她这么说，我往后退了一点，满心窘迫，这么一来结果还未卜，而我现在的处境可容不得我再等下去了。
Presently, assuming more courage, and seeking some diversion from my uneasy thoughts, I ventured to lift up my head a little, and sent my eyes on a course round the room, where they met full tilt with those of a lady (for such my extreme innocence pronounced her) sitting in a corner of the room, dressed in a velvet mantle (in the midst of summer), with her bonnet off; squat, fat, red-faced, and at least fifty.
不过我随即鼓足勇气把头稍稍抬了起来，想给自己壮壮胆，也想四处看看让自己放松一下。这时我的目光和一位夫人的目光（这称呼要归咎于我自己极端的无知）相遇了，她坐在房间一角，穿着件丝绒长袍（这可是仲夏），软帽摘了下来。这位夫人矮矮胖胖，脸膛红红的，看上去少说也有五十岁了。
She looked as if she would devour me with her eyes, staring at me from head to foot, without the least regard to the confusion and blushes her eyeing me so fixedly put me to, and which were to her, no doubt, the strongest recommendation and marks of my being fit for her purpose. After a little time, in which my air, person and whole figure had undergone a strict examination, which I had, on my part, tried to render favourable to me, by primming, drawing up my neck, and setting my best looks, she advanced and spoke to me with the greatest demureness:
她盯着我的样子活像要把我吞了，从头到脚把我瞧了一遍，完全不顾她这番目不转睛的打量让我脸红心跳。无疑，在她看来，我完全对了她的胃口。她仔细查看了我的神态、相貌和身材，我则尽力让自己给人家留下好印象，端端正正地站着，昂起头，摆出了最好的仪态。不多久，她就走上前来用最庄重的语气跟我说：
"Sweet-heart, do you want a place? "
「亲爱的，你想找个去处吗？」
"Yes, and please you." (with a curtsey down to the ground).
「是的，求您了。」我行了一个深深的屈膝礼。
Upon this she acquainted me she was actually come to the office herself, to look out for a servant; that she believed I might do, with a little of her instruction; that she could take my very looks for a sufficient character; that London was a very wicked, vile, place; that she hoped I would be tractable, and keep out of bad company; in short, she said all to me that an old experienced practitioner in town could think of, and which was much more than was necessary to take in an artless inexperienced country maid, who was even afraid of becoming a wanderer about the streets, and therefore gladly jumped at the first offer of a shelter, especially from so grave and matron-like a lady, for such my flattering fancy assured me this new mistress of mine was, I being actually hired under the nose of the good woman that kept the office, whose shrewed smiles and shrugs I could not help observing, and innocently interpreted them as marks of being pleased at my getting into place so soon: but, as I afterwards came to know, these Beldams understood one another very well, and this was a market where Mrs. Brown, my mistress, frequently attended, on the watch for any fresh goods that might offer there, for the use of her customers, and her own profit.
见此情形，她对我说她亲自来这儿是为了找个女仆，她觉得我略加调教也许就能胜任，这一点从我的外表就可以看出来。伦敦是个乌烟瘴气的地方，她希望我能听她话，别交坏朋友。简言之，她把一个资深城里人所能想到的告诫统统对我说了。其实要哄骗一个未经世事的乡下姑娘，这套说辞实在不太必要。我连上街都害怕得要命，现在突然找到第一个容身之所，早就心花怒放了，何况雇主还是一位端庄慈爱的女士。我天真地以为，自己是被一个善良的老妇人雇佣了，虽然注意到了她狡黠的笑容和耸肩的姿势，我却愚蠢地将之理解为——她是因为很快找到一个合适人选而高兴。过后我才发觉这些恶婆子沆瀣一气，布朗太太——我的女东家，常在这个市场转悠，在这儿替客户找寻新鲜猎物，她自己则从中渔利。
Madam was, however, so well pleased with her bargain that fearing I presume, lest better advice or some accident might occasion my slipping through her fingers, she would officiously take me in a coach to my inn, where, calling herself for my box, it was, I being present, delivered without the least scruple or explanation as to where I was going.
我猜这女士对这桩交易很是满意，她生怕再说上几句或出点什么岔子我就会从她手里遛掉了，于是殷勤备至地用马车把我送回了旅馆，取了我的行李，对去处则只字不提。
This being over, she bid the coachman drive to a shop in St. Paul's Churchyard, where she bought a pair of gloves, which she gave me, and thence renewed her directions to the coachman to drive to her house in ——— street, who accordingly landed us at the door, after I had been cheered up and entertained by the way with the most plausible flams, without one syllable from which I could conclude anything but that I was, by the greatest luck, fallen into the hands of kindest mistress, not to say friend, that the vast world could afford; and accordingly I entered her doors with most complete confidence and exultation, promising, myself that, as soon as I could be a little settled, I would acquaint Esther Davis with my rare good fortune.
收拾停当以后，她让车夫先去了圣保罗教堂大院的一家铺子，替我买了双手套，之后命令车夫去往她住的那条街道。随即马车载着我们到了门前，之前她花言巧语地哄骗了我一番，我欢欣不已，一心以为自己定是撞了大运，落在一位最仁慈的东家手里，虽说我们还算不上朋友，但这个无所不能的世界会让我交上朋友的。随后我进了门，满怀信心和喜悦，决定只要稍稍安顿下来，就告诉埃丝特·戴维斯上天是多么眷顾我。
You may be sure the good opinion of my place was not lessened by the appearance of a very handsome back parlor, into which I was led and which seemed to me magnificently furnished, who had never seen better rooms than the ordinary ones in inns upon the road. There were two gilt pier-glasses, and a buffet, on which a few pieces of plate, set out to the most shew, dazzled, and altogether persuaded me that I must be got into a very reputable family.
我被引入了一间漂亮的小会客厅，您大概想得到，这让我对这地方又平添了一层好感。之前我见过的最好的房间也不过是街上寻常旅馆里的，所以在我看来，这客厅简直是富丽堂皇——有两面镀金的壁镜，一只餐柜上摆着几只盘子，陈设极其精致，让人眼花缭乱。我不禁觉得自己定是到了什么显贵之家。
Here my mistress first began her part, with telling me that I must have good spirits, and learn to be free with her; that she had not taken me to be a common servant, to do domestic drudgery, but to be a kind of companion to her; and that if I would be a good girl, she would do more than twenty mothers for me; to all which I answered only by the profoundest and the awkwardest curtsies, and a few monosyllables, such as "'yes! no! to be sure!"
我的东家开始了她的老套说辞——她告诉我要打起精神，在她面前不必拘束。她视我为她的朋友，并不把我当一个普通的女仆待，不会让我做粗活，要是我顺她的心，她会加倍慈爱地待我。对这番话，我唯有手忙脚乱地行以大礼，嘴里应着几个简单的词「好的！不会！当然。」
Presently my mistress touched the bell, and in came a strapping maid-servant, who had let us in. "Here, Martha," said Mrs. Brown, "I have just hired this young woman to look after my linen; so step up and show her her chamber; and I charge you to use her with as much respect as you would myself, for I have taken a prodigious liking to her, and I do not know what I shall do for her."
随后我的东家按了门铃，一个壮实的女仆为我们开了门，「玛莎，」布朗太太说，「我刚雇了这个年轻姑娘来照管我的衣饰织物，你领她去她的房间，对她要像对我一样尊重，我很喜欢她，都不知道要为她做点什么好。」
Martha, who was an arch-jade, and, being used to this decoy, had her cue perfect, made me a kind of half curtsy, and asked me to walk up with her; and accordingly showed me a neat room, two pair of stairs backwards, in which there was a handsome bed, where Martha told me I was to lie with a young gentlewoman, a cousin of my mistress, who she was sure would be vastly good to me. Then she ran out into such affected encomiums on her good mistress! her sweet mistress! and how happy I was to light upon her! and that I could not have bespoke a better; with other the like gross stuff, such as would itself have started suspicions in any but such an unpractised simpleton, who was perfectly new to life, and who took every word she said in the very sense she laid out for me to take it; but she readily saw what a penetration she had to deal with, and measured me very rightly in her manner of whistling to me, so as to make me pleased with my cage, and blind to the wires.
玛莎是个狡猾的老手，惯于这套把戏，当即遵照她的吩咐，对我行了个半礼，请我跟她去。她带我去了个整洁的房间，就在一组楼梯背后，里面有张漂亮的床，玛莎告诉我，我要跟另一位年轻淑女同住，是东家的一个亲戚，她会待我很好。接着她开始极力说她东家的好话——她多仁慈！多亲切！我遇见她多有福！我再没这么好的运气了。她这套拙劣的说辞实际上相当可疑，但我这个不通世故的傻瓜对她说的每个字都信以为真。看到我这么天真易骗，她倒是很高兴,接着又是一通天花乱坠的胡话，好让我安于自己的处境，浑然不觉已经掉进了陷阱里。
In the midst of these false explanations of the nature of my future service, we were rung for down again, and I was reintroduced into the same parlour, where there was a table laid with three covers; and my mistress had now got with her one of her favourite girls, a notable manager of her house, and whose business it was to prepare and break such young fillies as I was to the mounting block; and she was accordingly, in that view, alloted me for a bed-fellow, and, to give her the more authority, she had the title of cousin conferred on her by the venerable president of this college.
就这样，她对我的工作编着瞎话，我俩一块儿下了楼，进了先前那个客厅。里面有张铺着三层桌布的桌子，我东家眼下跟个很讨她欢心的女人在一块儿。这女人替她管事，在宅子里很有声望。她的职责就是调教我这样的小姑娘上道，于是东家顺理成章地把她派给我做床伴。为了增加她的权威，最德高望重的东家还给她安了个亲戚的头衔。
Here I underwent a second survey, which ended in the full approbation of Mrs. Phoebe Ayres, the name of my tutoress elect, to whose care and instruction I was affectionately recommended.
在这儿我接受了第二轮检视，菲比·艾尔夫人——我的女导师（东家体贴地让她照顾和教诲我）对结果很满意。
Dinner was now set on table, and in pursuance of treating me as a companion, Mrs. Brown, with a tone to cut off all dispute, soon over-ruled my most humble and most confused protestations against sitting down with her Ladyship, which my very short breeding just suggested to me could not be right, or in the order of things.
午餐已经摆上了桌，布朗太太没有食言，待我像朋友一般，很快就不顾我谦卑惊惶的反对，强让我坐到了她尊贵的身旁，虽然我那点可怜的教养觉得这样做是不对的，这不合规矩。
At table, the conversation was chiefly kept up by the two madams and carried on in double meaning expressions, interrupted every now and then by kind assurances to me, all tending to confirm and fix my satisfaction with my present condition: augment it they could not, so very a novice was I then.
在桌旁，这两位女士主导了谈话，用着些双关语，时不时体贴地停下来安抚我，用尽浑身解数让我对自己当下的境况满意——其实她们本不必如此大费周章，我还只是个雏鸟而已。
It was here agreed that I should keep myself up and out of sight for a few days, till such clothes could be procured for me as were fit for the character I was to appear in, of my mistress's companion, observing withal, that on the first impressions of my figure much might depend; and, as they rightly judged, the prospect of exchanging my country clothes for London finery, made the clause of confinement digest perfectly well with me. But the truth was, Mrs. Brown did not care that I should be seen or talked to by any, either of her customers, or her Does (as they called the girls provided for them), till she secured a good market for my maidenhead, which I had at least all the appearances of having brought into her Ladyship's service.
她们决定让我暂不公开露面，直到她们为我准备好那些衣服，好让我合适出现在我东家的「朋友」面前，我的第一次亮相可全靠着这些衣服。如她们所料，我很盼着我的乡下衣裳能换成伦敦行头，所以规规矩矩的，很听她们的话。而事实上，布朗太太并不在意她的顾客或手下的雌儿（她们这么称呼替她们干活的女孩）看见我或是跟我搭话，她只是想把我的初夜卖个好价钱，因此我须得有个好卖相。
To slip over minutes of no importance to the main of my story, I pass the interval to bed time, in which I was more and more pleased with the views that opened to me, of an easy service under these good people; and after supper being shewed up to bed, Miss Phoebe, who observed a kind of reluctance in me to strip and go to bed, in my shift, before her, now the maid was withdrawn, came up to me, and beginning with unpinning my handkerchief and gown, soon encouraged me to go on with undressing myself; and, blushing at now seeing myself naked to my shift, I hurried to get under the bed-clothes out of sight.
为了略掉无关紧要的事情直奔重点，我把场景直接跳到了就寝时间。那会儿看着眼前的景象，想着能在这些好人手下干些轻松活儿，我越来越觉得称心如意。晚餐过后我回到卧室，菲比小姐留心到，我在她跟前脱衣服、只穿着亵衣上床有点害羞。于是女仆走后，她走近我，开始一件件剥我的衣服，接着就鼓励我自己动手。看到自己光身子穿着亵衣，我羞红了脸，赶紧遛进被子底下躲着。
Phoebe laughed and was not long before she placed herself by my side. She was about five and twenty, by her most suspicious account, in which, according to all appearances, she must have sunk at least ten good years; allowance, too, being made for the havoc which a long course of hackneyship and hot waters must have made of her constitution, and which had already brought on, upon the spur, that stale stage in which those of her profession are reduced to think of showing company, instead of seeing it.
菲比哈哈大笑，很快就来到了我身旁。据她自己的说法（有点可疑），她25岁，但就外表看，她至少也把自己说年轻了十岁。此外，长期的皮肉生涯和过于频繁的热水澡已让她的身体备受摧残，这点一看便知。这些摧残让她的身子走样疲垮，干她这行的要是到了这个地步，陪客的事只能怅惘地想想而已，至于人已是上不得台面了。
No sooner then was this precious substitute of my mistress laid down, but she, who was never out of her way when any occasion of lewdness presented itself, turned to me, embraced and kissed me with great eagerness. This was new, this was odd; but imputing it to nothing but pure kindness, which, for ought I knew, it might be the London way to express in that manner, I was determined not to be behind-hand with her, and returned her the kiss and embrace, with all the fervour that perfect innocence knew.
没多久，这东家的心腹就躺了下来。她在任何一个可能引起邪念的情景下都不忘她的使命，于是转身抱着我开始疯狂地吻我。这举动既新鲜又奇怪，不过我明白，这或许就是伦敦式的表达，只是示好而已。想到此我决心不让她失望，傻乎乎地报以热情的亲吻和拥抱。
Encouraged by this, her hands became extremely free, and wandered over my whole body, with touches, squeezes, pressures, that rather warmed and surprised me with their novelty, than they either shocked or alarmed me.
这举动鼓励了她，她的手不安分起来，在我身体上肆意游走，又摸、又捏、又揉，这新奇的感受没让我惊慌失措，却让我大为兴奋讶异。
The flattering praises she intermingled with these invasions, contributed also not a little to bribe my passiveness; and, knowing no ill, I feared none, especially from one who had prevented all doubts of her womanhood, by conducting my hands to a pair of breasts that hung loosely down, in a size and volume that full sufficiently distinguished her sex, to me at least, who had never made any other comparison.
于此同时，她还说着些甜言蜜语，让我受用得更加顺从。我并不害怕，因为知道这不会怎么样，尤其对方无疑是个女人。她把我的手引往她的一对松垮垮的乳房，至少来对我说，这物事的大小体积足以彰显她是个女人，不过我也没从其他人那儿比较过。
I lay then all tame and passive as she could wish, whilst her freedom raised no other emotion but those of a strange, and, till then, unfelt pleasure. Every part of me was open and exposed to the licentious courses of her hands, which, like a lambent fire, ran over my whole body, and thawed all coldness as they went.
我温顺地躺着，如她所愿。她的抚摸并未激起别的感觉，只有新奇和——目前为止——若有若无的愉悦。我舒展开身体，任她放肆的手爱抚，这爱抚似一股烈火掠过我的躯体，所到之处，寸寸消融。
My breasts, if it is not too bold a figure to call so two hard, firm, rising hillocks, that just began to shew themselves, or signify anything to the touch, employed and amused her hands awhile, till, slipping down lower, over a smooth track, she could just feel the soft silky down that had but a few months before put forth and garnished the mount-pleasant of those parts, and promised to spread a grateful shelter over the sweet seat of the most exquisite sensation, and which had been, till that instant, the seat of the most insensible innocence. Her fingers played and strove to twine in the young tendrils of that moss, which nature has contrived at once for use and ornament.
我的乳房——如果这么叫两个坚实挺立的小丘不太鲁莽的话——已经初绽蓓蕾，或者说被这抚摸激起了反应。它们在她的手掌里嬉戏了一会后才松弛下来；她的手一路滑过我光洁的皮肤，感受到底下轻软的绒毛。几个月前它们才刚刚长出来，为那极致的愉悦增添情趣，也为最敏感甜蜜处提供宜人的遮蔽，就在此刻前，这私密处还那么懵懂无邪。她的手指在泥沼处茸茸的蔓须上缠绕调逗，上天赋予女人这隐蔽的地方，既是为了悦目，也是为了承欢。
But, not contented with these outer posts, she now attempts the main spot, and began to twitch, to insinuate, and at length to force an introduction of a finger into the quick itself, in such a manner, that had she not proceeded by insensible gradations that inflamed me beyond the power of modesty to oppose its resistance to their progress, I should have jumped out of bed and cried for help against such strange assaults.
可她并未尽兴于停留在外旁，而是意在那要害的地方。她开始抽动，迂回潜入，手指的动作异常迅疾。我本该跳下床，大呼救命，然而她不知不觉地点燃了我的欲火，让我抛掉了廉耻，容忍了她的侵犯。
Instead of which, her lascivious touches had lighted up a new fire that wantoned through all my veins, but fixed with violence in that center appointed them by nature, where the first strange hands were now busied in feeling, squeezing, compressing the lips, then opening them again, with a finger between, till an "Oh!" expressed her hurting me, where the narrowness of the unbroken passage refused it entrance to any depth.
相反地，她挑逗的爱抚让我的欲火蔓延到全身。然而本能让我的知觉全停留在了激情的中心。那儿，第一次有别人的手在摸索、揉捏，挤压那花瓣，让它们开放，直到一声「啊」，她弄痛了我，我尚未开放的小径紧窄得不允许任何深入的摸索了。
In the meantime, the extension of my limbs, languid stretching, sighs, short heavings, all conspired to as-ure that experienced wanton that I was more pleased than offended at her proceedings, which she seasoned with repeated kisses and exclamations, such as "Oh! what a charming creature thou art! What a happy man will he be that first makes a woman of you! Oh! that I were a man for your sake!" with the like broken expressions, interrupted by kisses as fierce and salacious as ever I received from the other sex.
我四肢张开，浑身酥软，呻吟着、喘息着，这老练的荡妇确知我喜欢她的举动，并不觉厌恶，便又伺机亲吻恭维我，诸如「噢！你多迷人！那第一个让你变成女人的男人该多幸福！噢！如果我是个男人多好！」这些话不时被她的亲吻打断，她的吻和男人一样狂热，充满了欲望。
For my part, I was transported, confused, and out of myself; feelings so new were too much for me. My heated and alarmed senses were in a tumult that robbed me of all liberty of thought; tears of pleasure gushed from my eyes, and somewhat assuaged the fire that raged all over me.
Phoebe, herself, the hackneyed, thorough-bred Phoebe, to whom all modes and devices of pleasure were known and familiar, found, it seems, in this exercise her those arbitrary tastes, for which there is no accounting. Not that she hated men, or did not even prefer them to her own sex; but when she met with such occasions as this was, a satiety of enjoyments in the common road, perhaps, too a great secret bias, inclined her to make the most of pleasure, wherever she could find it, without distinction of sexes. In this view, now well assured that she had, by her touches, sufficiently inflamed me for her purpose, she rolled down the bed clothes gently, and I saw myself stretched naked, my shift being turned up to my neck, whilst I had no power or sense to oppose it. Even my growing blushes expressed more desire than modesty, whilst the candle, left (to be sure not undesignedly) burning, threw a full light on my whole body.
No! says Phoebe, "you must not, my sweet girl, think to hide all these treasures from me. My sight must be feasted as my touch. I must devour with my eyes this springing bosom. Suffer me to kiss it. I have not seen it enough. Let me kiss it once more. What firm, smooth, white flesh is here! How delicately shaped! Then this delicious down! Oh! let me view the small, dear, tender cleft! This is too much, I cannot bear it! I must! I must!" Here she took my hand, and in a transport carried it where you will easily guess. But what a difference in the state of the same thing! A spreading thicket of bushy curls marked the full grown, complete woman. Then the cavity to which she guided my hand easily received it; and as soon as she felt it within her, she moved herself to and fro, with so rapid a friction, that I presently withdrew it, wet and clammy, when instantly Phoebe grew more composed, after two or three sighs, and heart-fetched Oh's! and giving me a kiss that seemed to exhale her soul through her lips, she replaced the bed-clothes over us. What pleasure she had found I will not say; but this I know, that the first sparks of kindling nature, the first ideas of pollution, were caught by me that night; and that the acquaintance and communication with the bad of our sex, is often as fatal to innocence as all the seductions of the other. But to go on. When Phoebe was restored to that calm, which I was far from the enjoyment of myself, she artfully sounded me on all the points necessary to govern the designs of my virtuous mistress on me, and by my answers, drawn from pure undissembled nature, she had no reason but to promise herself all imaginable success, so far as it depended on my ignorance, easiness and warmth of constitution.
After a sufficient length of dialogue, my bedfellow left me to my rest, and I fell asleep, through pure weariness, from the violent emotions I had been led into, when nature which had been too warmly stirred and fermented to subside without allaying by some means or other relieved me by one of those luscious dreams, the transports of which are scarce inferior to those of waking real action.
In the morning I awoke about ten, perfectly gay and refreshed. Phoebe was up before me, and asked me in the kindest manner how I did, how I had rested, and if I was ready for breakfast? carefully, at the same time, avoiding to increase the confusion she saw I was in, at looking her in the face, by any hint of the night's bed scene. I told her if she pleased I would get up, and begin any work she would be pleased to set me about. She smiled; presently the maid brought in the tea equipage, and I just huddled my clothes on, when in waddled my mistress. I expected no less than to be told of, if not chid for, my late rising, when I was most agreeably disappointed by her compliments on my pure and fresh looks. I was "a bud of beauty" (this was her style), "and how vastly all the fine men would admire me!" to all which my answers did not, I can assure you, wrong my breeding; they were as simple and silly as they could wish, and, no doubt, flattered them infinitely more than had they proved me enlightened by education and a knowledge of the world.
We breakfasted, and the tea things were scarce removed, when in were brought two bundles of linen and wearing apparel: in short, all the necessaries for rigging me out, as they termed it, completely.
Imagine to yourself, Madam, how my little coquet heart fluttered with joy at the sight of a white lutestring, flowered with silver, scoured indeed, but passed on me for spick and span new, a Brussels lace cap, braited shoes, and the rest in proportion, all second-hand finery, and procured instantly for the occasion, by the diligence and industry of the good Mrs. Brown, who had already a chapman for me in the house, before whom my charms were to pass in review; for he had not only, in course, insisted on a previous sight of the premises, but also on immediate surrendering to him, in case of his agreeing for me; concluding very wisely, that such a place as I was in, was of the hottest to trust the keeping of such a perishable commodity in, as a maidenhead.
The care of dressing and tricking me out for the market, was then left to Phoebe, who acquitted herself, if not well, at least perfectly to the satisfaction of everything but my impatience of seeing myself dressed. When it was over, and I viewed myself in the glass, I was no doubt, too natural, too artless, to hide my childish joy at the change: a change, in the real truth, for much the worse, since I must have much better become the neat easy simplicity of my rustic dress than the awkward, untoward, tawdry finery that I could not conceal my strangeness to.
Phoebe's compliments, however, in which her own share in dressing me was not forgot, did not a little confirm me in the first notions I had ever entertained concerning my person; which, be it said without vanity, was then tolerable to justify a taste for me, and of which it may not be out of place here to sketch you an unflattered picture.
I was tall, yet not too tall for my age, which, as I before remarked, was barely turned of fifteen; my shape perfectly straight, thin waisted, and light and free without owing anything to stays; my hair was a glossy auburn, and as soft as silk, flowing down my neck in natural curls, and did not a little to set off the whiteness of a smooth skin; my face was rather too ruddy, though its features were delicate, and the shape was a roundish oval, except where a pit on my chin had far from a disagreeable effect; my eyes were as black as can be imagined, and rather languishing than sparkling, except on certain occasions, when I have been told they struck fire fast enough; my teeth, which I ever carefully preserved, were small, even and white; my bosom was finely raised, and one might then discern rather the promise than the actual growth of the round, firm breast, that in a little time made that promise good. In short, all the points of beauty that are most universally in request, I had, or at least my vanity forbid me to appeal from the decision of our sovereign judges the men, who all, that I ever knew at last, gave it thus highly in my favour; and I met with, even in my own sex, some that were above denying me that justice, whilst others praised me yet more unsuspectedly, by endeavouring to detract from me, in points of person and figure that I obviously excelled in. This is, I own, too strong of self praise; but I should be ungrateful to nature, and to a form to which I owe such singular blessings of pleasure and fortune, were I to suppress, through an affectation of modesty, the mention of such valuable gifts.
Well then, dressed I was, and little did it then enter into my head that all this gay attire was no more than decking the victim out for sacrifice, whilst I innocently attributed all to mere friendship and kindness in the sweet good Mrs. Brown; who, I was forgetting to mention, had, under pretence of keeping my money safe, got from me, without the least hesitation, the driblet (so I now call it) which remained to me after the expenses of my journey.
After some little time most agreebly spent before the glass, in scarce self-admiration, since my new dress had by much the greatest share in it, I was sent for down to the parlour, where the old lady saluted me, and wished me joy of my new clothes, which she was not ashamed to say, fitted me as if I had worn nothing but the finest all my life-time; but what was it she could not see me silly enough to swallow? At the same time, she presented me to another cousin of her own creation, an elderly gentleman, who got up, at my entry into the room, and on my dropping a curtsy to him, saluted me, and seemed a little affronted that I had only presented my cheek to him: a mistake, which, if one, he immediately corrected, by gluing his lips to mine, with an ardour which his figure had not at all disposed me to thank him for: his figure, I say, than which nothing could be more shocking or detestable: for ugly and disagreeable were terms too gentle to convey a just idea of it.
Imagine to yourself, a man rather past threescore, short and ill-made, with a yellow cadaverous hue, great goggle eyes, that stared as if he was strangled; an out-mouth from two more properly tusks than teeth, livid lips, and breath like a Jake's: then he had a peculiar ghastliness in his grin, that made him perfectly frightful, if not dangerous to women with child; yet, made as he was thus in mock of man, he was so blind to his own staring deformities, as to think himself born to please, and that no woman could see him with impunity: in consequence of which idea, he had lavished great sums on such wretches as could gain upon themselves to pretend love to his person, whilst to those who had not art or patience to dissemble the horror it inspired, he behaved even brutally. Impotence, more than necessity, made him seek in variety, the provocative that was wanting to raise him to the pitch of enjoyment, which he too often saw himself baulked of, by the failure of his powers: and this always threw him into a fit of rage, which he wreaked, as far as he durst, on the innocent objects of his fit of momentary desire.
This then was the master to which my conscientious benefactress, who had long been his purveyor in this way, had doomed me, and sent for me down purposely for his examination. Accordingly she made me stand up before him, turned me round, unpinned my handkerchief, remarked to him the rise and fall, the turn and whiteness of a bosom just beginning to fill; then made me walk, and took even a handle from the rusticity of my charms: in short, she omitted no point of jockeyship; to which he only answered by gracious nods of approbation, whilst he looked goats and monkeys at me: for I sometimes stole a corner glance at him, and encountering his fiery, eager stare, looked another way from pure horror and affright, which he, characteristically, attributed to nothing more than maiden modesty, or at least the affectation of it.
However, I was soon dismissed, and reconducted to my room by Phoebe, who stuck close to me, not leaving me alone, and at leisure to make such reflections as might naturally rise to any one, not an idiot, on such a scene as I had just gone through; but to my shame be it confessed, that just was my invincible stupidity, or rather portentous innocence, that I did not yet open my eyes to Mrs. Brown's designs, and saw nothing in this titular cousin of hers but a shockingly hideous person, which did not at all concern me, unless that my gratitude for my benefactress made me extend my respect to all her cousinhood.
Phoebe, however, began to sift the state and pulses of my heart toward this monster, asking me how I should approve of such a fine gentelman for a husband. (Fine gentleman, I suppose she called him, from his being daubed with lace.) I answered her very naturally, that I had no thoughts of a husband, but that if I was to choose one, it should be among my own degree, sure! so much had my aversion to that wretch's hideous figure indisposed me to all "fine gentlemen," and confounded my ideas, as if those of that rank had been necessarily cast in the same mould that he was. But Phoebe was not to be put off so, but went on with her endeavours to melt and soften me for the purposes of my reception into that hospitable house: and whilst she talked of the sex in general, she had no reason to despair of a compliance, which more than one reason showed her would be easily enough obtained of me; but then she had too much experience not to discover that my particular fixed aversion to that frightful cousin would be a block not so readily to be removed, as suited the consummation of their bargain, and sale of me.
Mother Brown had in the meantime agreed the terms with this loquorice old goat, which I afterwards understood were to be fifty guineas peremptory, for the liberty of attempting me, and a hundred more at the complete gratification of his desires, in the triumph over my virginity: and as for me, I was to be left entirely at the discretion of his liking and generosity. This unrighteous contract being thus settled, he was so eager to be put in possession, that he insisted on being introduced to drink tea with me that afternoon, when we were to be left alone; nor would he hearken to the procuress's remonstrances, that I was not sufficiently prepared, and ripened for such an attack; that I was too green and untamed, having been scarce twenty-four hours in the house: it is the character of lust to be impatient, and his vanity arming him against any supposition of other than the common resistance of a maid on those occasions, made him reject all proposals of a delay, and my dreadful trial was thus fixed, unknown to me, for that very evening.
At dinner, Mrs. Brown and Phoebe did nothing but run riot in praise of this wonderful cousin, and how happy that woman would be that he would favour with his addresses; in short my two gossips exhausted all their rhetoric to persuade me to accept them: "that the gentleman was violently smitten with me at first sight; that he would make my fortune if I would be a good girl and not stand in my own light; that I should trust his honour; that I should be made for ever, and have a chariot to go abroad in," with all such stuff as was fit to turn the head of such a silly ignorant girl as I then was: but luckily here my aversion had taken already such deep root in me, my heart was so strongly defended from him by my senses, that wanting the art to mask my sentiments, I gave them no hopes of their employer succeeding, at least very easily, with me. The glass too marched pretty quick, with a view, I suppose, to make a friend of the warmth of my constitution, in the minutes of the imminent attack.
Thus they kept me pretty long at table, and about six in the evening, after I had retired to my apartment, and the tea board was set, enters my venerable mistress, followed close by that satyr who came in grinning in a way peculiar to him, and by his odious presence, confirmed me in all the sentiments of detestation which his first appearance had given birth to.
He sat down fronting me, and all tea time kept ogling me in a manner that gave me the utmost pain and confusion, all the mark of which he still explained to be my bashfulness, and not being used to see company.
Tea over, the commoding old lady pleady urgent business (which indeed was true) to go out, and earnestly desired me to entertain her cousin kindly till she came back, both for my own sake and her; and then, with a "Pray, sir, be very good, be very tender to the sweet child," she went out of the room, leaving me staring, with my mouth open, and unprepared by the suddenness of her departure, to oppose it.
We were now alone; and on that idea a sudden fit of trembling seized me. I was so afraid, without a precise notion of why, and what I had to fear, that I sat on the settee, by the fire side, motionless and petrified, without life or spirit, not knowing how to look or how to stir.
But long I was not suffered to remain in this state of stupefaction: the monster squatted down by me on the settee, and without farther ceremony or preamble, flings his arms about my neck, and drawing me pretty forcibly towards him, obliged me to receive, in spite of my struggles to disengage from him, his pestilential kisses, which quite overcame me. Finding me then next to senseless, and unresisting, he tears off my neck handkerchief, and laid all open there, to his eyes and hands: still I endured all without flinching, till emboldened by my sufferance and silence, for I had not the power to speak or cry out, he attempted to lay me down on the settee, and I felt his hand on the lower part of my naked thighs, which were crossed, and which he endeavoured to unlock. Oh then! I was roused out of my passive endurance, and springing from him with an activity he was not prepared for, threw myself at his feet, and begged him, in the most moving tone, not to be rude, and that he would not hurt me. "Hurt you, my dear?" says the brute, "I intend you no harm. Has not the old lady told you that I love you? that I shall do handsomely by you?"
"She has indeed, sir, said I, but I cannot love you, indeed I cannot! pray let me alone! yes! I will love you dearly if you will let me alone and go away." But I was talking to the wind, for whether my tears, my attitude, or the disorder of my dress proved fresh incentives, or whether he was now under the dominion of desires he could not bridle, but snorting and foaming with lust and rage, he renews his attack, seizes me, and again attempts to extend and fix me on the settee: in which he succeeded so far as to lay me along, and even to toss my petticoats over my head, and lay my thighs bare, which I obstinately kept close, nor could he, though he attempted with his knee to force them open, effect it so as to stand fair for being master of the main avenue; he was unbuttoned, both waistcoat and breeches, yet I only felt the weight of his body upon me, whilst I lay struggling with indignation, and dying with terrors; but he stopped all of a sudden, and got off, panting, blowing, cursing, and repeating "old and ugly!" for so I had very naturally called him in the heat of my defence.
The brute had, it seems, as I afterwards understood, brought on, by his eagerness and struggle, the ultimate period of his hot fit of lust, which his power was too short-lived to carry him through the full execution of; of which my thighs and linen received the effusion.
When it was over he bid me, with a tone of displeasure, get up: "that he would not do me the honour to think of me any more; that the old b——h might look out for another cully; that he would not be fooled so by ever a country mock modesty in England; that he supposed I had left my maidenhead with some hobnail in the country, and was come to dispose of my skim-milk in town" with a volley of the like abuse; which I listened to with more pleasure than ever fond woman did to protestations of love from her darling minion: for, incapable as I was of receiving any addition to my perfect hatred and aversion to him, I looked on this railing, as my security against his renewing his most odious caress.
Yet, plain as Mrs. Brown's views were now come out, I had not the heart, or spirit to open my eyes to them: still I could not part with my dependence on that beldam, so much did I think myself hers, soul and body: or rather, I sought to deceive myself with the continuation of my good opinion of her, and choose to wait the worst at her hands, sooner than be turned out to starve in the streets, without a penny of money or a friend to apply to these fears were my folly.
While this confusion of ideas was passing in my head, and I sat pensively by the fire, with my eyes brimming with tears, my neck still bare, and my cap fallen off in the struggle, so that my hair was in the disorder you may guess, the villain's lust began, I suppose, to be again in flow, at the sight of all that bloom of youth which presented itself to his view, a bloom yet unenjoyed, and of course not yet indifferent to him.
After some pause, he asked me with a tone of voice mightily softer, whether I would make it up with him before the old lady returned, and all should be well; he would restore me to his affections, at the same time offering to kiss me and feel my breasts. But now my extreme aversion, my fears, my indignation, all acting upon me, gave me a spirit not natural to me, so that breaking loose from him, I ran to the bell and rang it, with such violence and effect as to bring up the maid to know what was the matter, or whether the gentleman wanted anything; and before he could proceed to greater extremities, she bounced into the room, and seeing me stretched on the floor, my hair all dishevelled, my nose gushing out blood, which did not a little tragedize the scene, and my odious persecutor still intent of pushing his brutal point, unmoved by all my cries and distress, she was herself confounded and did not know what to do.
As much, however, as Martha might be prepared and hardened to transactions of this sort, all womanhood must have been out of her heart could she have seen this unmoved. Besides that, on the face of things, she imagined that matters had gone greater lengths than they really had, and that the courtesy of the house had been actually consummated on me, and flung: me into the condition I was in: in this notion she instantly took my part, and advised the gentleman to go down and leave me to recover myself, and "that all would be soon over with me; that when Mrs. Brown and Phoebe, who were gone out, were returned, they would take order for everything to his satisfaction; that nothing would be lost by a little patience with the poor tender thing; that for her part she was frightened; she could not tell what to say to such doings; but that she would stay by me till my mistress came home." As the wench said all this in a resolute tone, and the monster himself began to perceive that things would not mend by his staying, he took his hat and went out of the room murmuring and pitting his brows like an old ape, so that I was delivered from the horrors of his detestable presence.
As soon as he was gone, Martha very tenderly offered me her assistance in anything, and would have got me some hartshorn drops and put me to bed; which last I, at first, positively refused, in the fear that the monster might return and take me at that disadvantage. However, with much persuasion and assurances that I should not be molested that night she prevailed on me to lie down; and indeed I was so weakened by my struggles, so dejected by my fearful apprehension, so terror-struck, that I had not power to sit up, or hardly to give answers to the questions with which the curious Martha plied and perplexed me.
Such too, and so cruel was my fate, that I dreaded the sight of Mrs. Brown, as if I had been the criminal, and she the person injured; a mistake which you will not think so strange, on distinguishing that neither virtue nor principles had the least share in the defence I had made, but only the particular aversion I had conceived against this first brutal and frightful invader of my tender innocence.
I passed then the time till Mrs. Brown came home, under all the agitations of fear and despair that may easily be guessed.