14

第14节

After Old Sunny was gone, I sat in the chair for a while and smoked a couple of cigarettes. It was getting daylight outside. Boy, I felt miserable. I felt so depressed, you can't imagine. What I did, I started talking, sort of out loud, to Allie. I do that sometimes when I get very depressed. I keep telling him to go home and get his bike and meet me in front of Bobby Fallon's house. Bobby Fallon used to live quite near us in Maine--this is, years ago. Anyway, what happened was, one day Bobby and I were going over to Lake Sedebego on our bikes. We were going to take our lunches and all, and our BB guns--we were kids and all, and we thought we could shoot something with our BB guns. Anyway, Allie heard us talking about it, and he wanted to go, and I wouldn't let him. I told him he was a child. So once in a while, now, when I get very depressed, I keep saying to him, "Okay. Go home and get your bike and meet me in front of Bobby's house. Hurry up." It wasn't that I didn't use to take him with me when I went somewhere. I did. But that one day, I didn't. He didn't get sore about it--he never got sore about anything-- but I keep thinking about it anyway, when I get very depressed.

老孙妮走了以后，我在椅子上坐了一会儿，抽了两支烟。外面天已慢慢亮了。嘿，我心里很难过，我那时心里有多沮丧，你简直没法想象。我当时干了些什么呢，我开始大声跟艾里讲起话来。有时候我心情实在沮丧得厉害，就会这么办，我口口声声叫他回家取自行车去，到鲍比·法隆家门口来找我。我们在缅因的时候，就住在鲍比·法隆家附近——那是几年前的事了。嗯，那次是这么回事，有一天鲍比和我想骑自行车到塞德比哥湖去。我们自带午饭，还带着支汽枪——我们还都很小，以为用我们的汽枪可以打猎。嗯，艾里听见我们谈论这事，也要跟着去，我不肯答应。我告诉他说他还太小。此后每逢我心里十分沮丧，就会口口声声跟他说：“好吧。回家取你的自行车去，我在鲍比家门口等你。快去。”那倒不是我出去的时候总不带他一起去。我是带的。可是那一天我没带他去。他倒没生气——他从来不为什么事生气——可我只要心里十分沮丧，就老会想起这件事。

Finally, though, I got undressed and got in bed. I felt like praying or something, when I was in bed, but I couldn't do it. I can't always pray when I feel like it. In the first place, I'm sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoy the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard.

最后，我脱掉衣服上床了。上床以后，我倒是想祷告什么的，可我祷告不出来。我真想祷告的时候，却往往祷告不出来。主要原因是我不信教。我喜欢耶酥什么的，可我对《圣经》里其他那些玩艺儿多半不感兴趣。就拿十二门徒来说吧，他们都叫我腻烦得要命，我老实告诉你说。耶稣死后，他们倒是挺不错，可耶稣活着的时候，他们起的作用，简直等于是在他的脑袋里打了个窟窿眼儿。他们只会泄他的气。在我看来《圣经》里的任何人物都要比十二门徒强。你如果要我说老实话，《圣经》里除了耶稣以外，我最最喜欢的要数那个疯子，就是住在坟墓里不断地拿石头砍自己的那个。这个可怜的杂种，我喜欢他要胜过那些门徒十倍。

I used to get in quite a few arguments about it, when I was at Whooton School, with this boy that lived down the corridor, Arthur Childs. Old Childs was a Quaker and all, and he read the Bible all the time. He was a very nice kid, and I liked him, but I could never see eye to eye with him on a lot of stuff in the Bible, especially the Disciples. He kept telling me if I didn't like the Disciples, then I didn't like Jesus and all. He said that because Jesus picked the Disciples, you were supposed to like them. I said I knew He picked them, but that He picked them at random. I said He didn't have time to go around analyzing everybody. I said I wasn't blaming Jesus or anything. It wasn't His fault that He didn't have any time. I remember I asked old Childs if he thought Judas, the one that betrayed Jesus and all, went to Hell after he committed suicide. Childs said certainly. That's exactly where I disagreed with him. I said I'd bet a thousand bucks that Jesus never sent old Judas to Hell. I still would, too, if I had a thousand bucks. I think any one of the Disciples would've sent him to Hell and all--and fast, too--but I'll bet anything Jesus didn't do it. Old Childs said the trouble with me was that I didn't go to church or anything. He was right about that, in a way. I don't. In the first place, my parents are different religions, and all the children in our family are atheists. If you want to know the truth, I can't even stand ministers. The ones they've had at every school I've gone to, they all have these Holy Joe voices when they start giving their sermons. God, I hate that. I don't see why the hell they can't talk in their natural voice. They sound so phony when they talk.

我在胡敦中学的时候，常常为这事跟住在走廊尽头那个叫作亚瑟·查尔兹的家伙争论个没完。老查尔兹是个教友会信徒，一天到晚在读《圣经》。他是个很不错的孩子，我很喜欢他，不过关于《圣经》里的许多事物，我始终没法跟他取得一致看法，尤其是那些门徒。他口口声声跟我说，我要是不喜欢那些门徒，也就是不喜欢耶稣本人。他说，既然是耶稣选择了那些门徒，你就应该喜欢他们。我说，我也知道是他选择了他们，不过他只是随便挑选的。我说，他没时间对每个人作仔细分析。我说，我毫无责备耶稣的意思。他之所以没时间，那也不能怪他。我记得我还问过老查尔兹，那个出卖耶酥的犹大自杀以后是不是进了地狱。查尔兹说当然啦。我就是在这一点上不能同意他的意见。我说，我可以跟他赌一千块钱，耶稣并没有将犹大打入地狱。我现在依旧愿意跟人打这个赌，只要我有一千块钱。我觉得任何一个门徒都会把犹大打入地狱——而且打得极快——不过我可以拿随便什么东西打赌，耶稣决不会这样做。老查尔兹说，我的问题在于从来不上教堂。他这话说的倒是有些对。我的确从来不上教堂。主要是，我父母信不同的教，家里的孩子也就什么教也不信了。你如果要我说实话，我可以老实告诉你说我甚至受不了那些牧师。就拿我念书的那些学校里的牧师来说吧，他们布道的时候，总装出那么一副神圣的嗓音。天哪，我真讨厌这个。我真他妈的看不出他们为什么不能用原来的嗓音讲道。她们一讲起道来，听去总是那么假。

Anyway, when I was in bed, I couldn't pray worth a damn. Every time I got started, I kept picturing old Sunny calling me a crumb-bum. Finally, I sat up in bed and smoked another cigarette. It tasted lousy. I must've smoked around two packs since I left Pencey.

嗯，我上床以后，却怎么也祷告不出来。我只要一开始祷告，就会想起老孙妮怎样管我叫瘪三。最后，我在床上坐起来，又抽了支烟。那烟抽在嘴里一点味道都没有。我自从离开潘西以后，差不多抽掉两包烟了。

All of a sudden, while I was laying there smoking, somebody knocked on the door. I kept hoping it wasn't my door they were knocking on, but I knew damn well it was. I don't know how I knew, but I knew. I knew who it was, too. I'm psychic.

我正躺在床上抽烟，忽听得外面有人敲门。我很希望敲的不是我的房门，可我心里清清楚楚地知道敲的正是我的房门。我不知道自己怎么会知道，可我的确知道得很清楚。我也知道是谁在敲门。我末卜先知。

"Who's there?" I said. I was pretty scared. I'm very yellow about those things.

“谁敲门？”我说。我心里很害怕。我对这类事情一向很胆小。

They just knocked again, though. Louder.

他们光是一个劲儿地敲门。越敲越响。

Finally I got out of bed, with just my pajamas on, and opened the door. I didn't even have to turn the light on in the room, because it was already daylight. Old Sunny and Maurice, the pimpy elevator guy, were standing there.

最后我从床上起来，穿着睡衣裤去开门。我甚至都用不着开房间里的灯，因为天已经亮了。老孙妮和开电梯的王八毛里斯就站在门外。

"What's the matter? Wuddaya want?" I said. Boy, my voice was shaking like hell.

“怎么啦？有什么事？”我说。嘿，我的声音怎么抖得这样厉害。

"Nothin' much," old Maurice said. "Just five bucks." He did all the talking for the two of them. Old Sunny just stood there next to him, with her mouth open and all.

“没什么事，”老毛里斯说。“只要五块钱。”两个人里面只他一个人讲话。老孙妮只是张大了嘴站在他旁边。

"I paid her already. I gave her five bucks. Ask her," I said. Boy, was my voice shaking.

“我已经给她了。我给了她五块钱。你问她，”我说。嘿，我的声音直发抖。

"It's ten bucks, chief. I tole ya that. Ten bucks for a throw, fifteen bucks till noon. I tole ya that."

“要十块，先生。我跟你说好的。十块一次，十五块到中午。我跟你说好的。”

"You did not tell me that. You said five bucks a throw. You said fifteen bucks till noon, all right, but I distinctly heard you--"

“你不是跟我这么说的。你说五块一次。你说十五块到中午，不错，我清清楚楚地听你说——”

"Open up, chief."

“把门开大点儿，先生。”

"What for?" I said. God, my old heart was damn near beating me out of the room. I wished I was dressed at least. It's terrible to be just in your pajamas when something like that happens.

“干吗？”我说。天哪，我的那颗心差点儿从我嗓子眼里跳出来了。我真希望自己至少穿好了衣服，遇到这样的事，光穿着睡衣裤真是可怕。

"Let's go, chief," old Maurice said. Then he gave me a big shove with his crumby hand. I damn near fell over on my can--he was a huge sonuvabitch. The next thing I knew, he and old Sunny were both in the room. They acted like they owned the damn place. Old Sunny sat down on the window sill. Old Maurice sat down in the big chair and loosened his collar and all--he was wearing this elevator operator's uniform. Boy, was I nervous.

“咱们进去说，先生，”老毛里斯说着，用他的那只脏手狠狠地推了我一把，我他妈的差点儿倒栽了个跟斗——他是个魁伟的婊子养的。一转眼，他跟老孙妮两个都在房里了。瞧他们模样，就象这混帐地方是属于他们的。老孙妮坐在窗台上。老毛里斯就坐在那把大椅子上，解开了衣服领子——他还穿着那套开电梯的制服。嘿，我当时紧张极了。

"All right, chief, let's have it. I gotta get back to work."

“好吧，先生，拿钱来吧。我还得回去干活儿呢。”

"I told you about ten times, I don't owe you a cent. I already gave her the five--"

“我已经跟你说过十遍啦，我不欠你一个子儿。我已经给了她五——”

"Cut the crap, now. Let's have it."

“别说废话啦，嗳。拿钱来吧。”

"Why should I give her another five bucks?" I said. My voice was cracking all over the place. "You're trying to chisel me."

“我嘛，干吗还要给她五块钱？”我说。我的声音响彻整个房间。“你这不是在向我勒索！”

Old Maurice unbuttoned his whole uniform coat. All he had on underneath was a phony shirt collar, but no shirt or anything. He had a big fat hairy stomach. "Nobody's tryna chisel nobody," he said. "Let's have it, chief."

老毛里斯把制服钮扣全都解开了。里面只有个衬衫假领，没穿衬衫什么的。他有个毛茸茸的又大又肥的肚子。“谁也不向谁勒索，”他说。“拿钱来吧，先生。”

"No."

“没有。”

When I said that, he got up from his chair and started walking towards me and all. He looked like he was very, very tired or very, very bored. God, was I scared. I sort of had my arms folded, I remember. It wouldn't have been so bad, I don't think, if I hadn't had just my goddam pajamas on.

他听了这话，就从椅子上起身向我走来。看他的样子，好象十分、十分疲倦或是十分、十分腻烦。天哪，我心里真是害怕。我好象把两臂交叉在胸前，我记得。我想，我当时要不是光穿着混帐的睡衣裤，情况怕不至于那么糟。

"Let's have it, chief." He came right up to where I was standing. That's all he could say. "Let's have it, chief." He was a real moron.

“拿钱来吧，先生。”他一直走到我站着的地方。他只会说这么句话。“拿钱来吧，先生。”他真是个窝囊废。

"No."

“没有。”

"Chief, you're gonna force me inna roughin' ya up a little bit. I don't wanna do it, but that's the way it looks," he said. "You owe us five bucks."

“先生，你是不是一定要我给你点儿厉害看呢。我不愿那样做，不过看样子非那样做不成了。”他说。“你欠我们五块钱。”

"I don't owe you five bucks," I said. "If you rough me up, I'll yell like hell. I'll wake up everybody in the hotel. The police and all." My voice was shaking like a bastard.

“我并不欠你们五块钱。”我说。“你要是动我一根汗毛，我就会大声叫喊。我会把旅馆里的人全都喊醒。我要叫警察。”我声音抖得象个杂种。

"Go ahead. Yell your goddam head off. Fine," old Maurice said. "Want your parents to know you spent the night with a whore? High-class kid like you?" He was pretty sharp, in his crumby way. He really was.

“嚷吧。把你的混帐喉咙喊破吧。好极了，”老毛里斯说。“要你的父母知道你跟一个妓女在外面过夜吗？象你这样上等人？”他说话虽然下流，却很锋利。一点不假。

"Leave me alone. If you'd said ten, it'd be different. But you distinctly--"

“别捣乱啦。你要是当时说十块，情况就不同了。可你清清楚楚地——”

"Are ya gonna let us have it?" He had me right up against the damn door. He was almost standing on top of me, his crumby old hairy stomach and all.

“你到底给钱不给？”他把我直顶在那扇混帐门上。他简直是站在我上面，挺着他那个毛茸茸的脏肚子。

"Leave me alone. Get the hell out of my room," I said. I still had my arms folded and all. God, what a jerk I was.

“别捣乱啦。快给我滚出去，”我说。我依旧交叉着两臂。天哪，我真是个傻瓜蛋。

Then Sunny said something for the first time. "Hey, Maurice. Want me to get his wallet?" she said. "It's right on the wutchamacallit."

这时孙妮头一次开口说话了。“嗨，毛里斯。要不要把他的皮夹子拿来？”她说。“就在那地方。”

"Yeah, get it."

“好的，拿来吧。”

"Leave my wallet alone!"

“别动我的皮夹子！”

"I awreddy got it," Sunny said. She waved five bucks at me. "See? All I'm takin' is the five you owe me. I'm no crook."

“我已拿到了，”孙妮说着，拿了五块钱在我面前一扬。“瞧？我只拿你欠我的五块。我不是小偷。”

All of a sudden I started to cry. I'd give anything if I hadn't, but I did. "No, you're no crooks," I said. "You're just stealing five--"

我突然哭了起来。我真希望自己当时没哭，可我的确哭了起来。“不，你不是小偷，”我说。

"Shut up," old Maurice said, and gave me a shove.

“你只是偷走了五块——”

"Leave him alone, hey," Sunny said. "C'mon, hey. We got the dough he owes us. Let's go. C'mon, hey."

“住嘴，”老毛里斯说着，推了我一把。“别理他，随，”孙妮说。“走吧，酶。咱们拿到了他欠我的钱。咱们走吧，嗨。”

"I'm comin'," old Maurice said. But he didn't.

“我来啦，”老毛里斯说，可他没动窝儿。

"I mean it, Maurice, hey. Leave him alone."

“我要你来，毛里斯，嗨。别理他。”

"Who's hurtin' anybody?" he said, innocent as hell. Then what he did, he snapped his finger very hard on my pajamas. I won't tell you where he snapped it, but it hurt like hell. I told him he was a goddam dirty moron.

“是谁在出口伤人？”他说，装出极天真的样子，接着他用手指重重地在我的睡裤上弹了一下，疼得我要命。我对他说他是个混帐下流的窝囊废。

"What's that?" he said. He put his hand behind his ear, like a deaf guy. "What's that? What am I?"

“你说什么？”他说。他把手圈在耳后，象是个聋子似的。“你说什么？我是什么？”

I was still sort of crying. I was so damn mad and nervous and all. "You're a dirty moron," I said. "You're a stupid chiseling moron, and in about two years you'll be one of those scraggy guys that come up to you on the street and ask for a dime for coffee. You'll have snot all over your dirty filthy overcoat, and you'll be--"

我还在哭。我是他妈的那么生气，那么紧张。“你是个下流的窝囊废，”我说。“你是个向人勒索的混帐窝囊废，再过两年，你就会成一个叫花子，在街上向人讨一毛钱喝咖啡。你那件肮脏破烂的大衣上面全是鼻涕，你还要——”

Then he smacked me. I didn't even try to get out of the way or duck or anything. All I felt was this terrific punch in my stomach.

我话没说完，他就揍了我一拳。我甚至都没想躲避。我只觉得自己的肚皮上重重挨了一下。

I wasn't knocked out or anything, though, because I remember looking up from the floor and seeing them both go out the door and shut it. Then I stayed on the floor a fairly long time, sort of the way I did with Stradlater. Only, this time I thought I was dying. I really did. I thought I was drowning or something. The trouble was, I could hardly breathe. When I did finally get up, I had to walk to the bathroom all doubled up and holding onto my stomach and all.

我并没给打昏过去，因为我还记得自己怎样从地板上目送他们两个一起走出房间，还随手把门带上。我在地板上躺了好一会儿，就象我跟斯特拉德莱塔打架时那样。只是，这一次我以为自己快要死了。我真的这样以为。我觉得自己好象掉在水里快要淹死似的。问题是，我的呼吸十分困难。最后我好容易站起来，得弯着腰捧着肚子向浴室走去。

But I'm crazy. I swear to God I am. About halfway to the bathroom, I sort of started pretending I had a bullet in my guts. Old 'Maurice had plugged me. Now I was on the way to the bathroom to get a good shot of bourbon or something to steady my nerves and help me really go into action. I pictured myself coming out of the goddam bathroom, dressed and all, with my automatic in my pocket, and staggering around a little bit. Then I'd walk downstairs, instead of using the elevator. I'd hold onto the banister and all, with this blood trickling out of the side of my mouth a little at a time. What I'd do, I'd walk down a few floors--holding onto my guts, blood leaking all over the place-- and then I'd ring the elevator bell. As soon as old Maurice opened the doors, he'd see me with the automatic in my hand and he'd start screaming at me, in this very high-pitched, yellow-belly voice, to leave him alone. But I'd plug him anyway. Six shots right through his fat hairy belly. Then I'd throw my automatic down the elevator shaft--after I'd wiped off all the finger prints and all. Then I'd crawl back to my room and call up Jane and have her come over and bandage up my guts. I pictured her holding a cigarette for me to smoke while I was bleeding and all.

可我真是疯了。我可以对天发誓我是疯了。在去浴室的半路上，我开始幻想自己心窝里中了一颗子弹。老毛里斯开枪打了我。我现在是到浴室去喝一大口威士忌什么的，定一定神，好让自己真正下毒手。我幻想着自己从混帐的浴室里出来，已穿好了衣服，袋里放着一支自动手枪，走起路来还晃晃悠悠的。我并不乘电梯，而是步行下楼。我用手扶住栏杆，嘴角里断断续续淌出一点血来。我就这样走下几层楼——用手捂着心窝，流得到处是血——随后我就按铃叫电梯。老毛里斯一打开电梯的门，看见我手里握着一支自动手枪，就会害怕得朝着我高声尖叫起来，叫我别拿枪打他。可我还是开了枪。一连六枪打在他那毛茸茸的肚皮上。然后我把那支手枪扔下电梯道——当然先把指印什么的全部擦干净了。随后我爬回自己房里，打电话叫琴来给我包扎心窝上的伤口。我想象自己怎样浑身淌着血，由琴拿着一支烟让我抽。

The goddam movies. They can ruin you. I'm not kidding.

那些混帐电影。它们真能害人。我不说瞎话。

I stayed in the bathroom for about an hour, taking a bath and all. Then I got back in bed. It took me quite a while to get to sleep--I wasn't even tired--but finally I did. What I really felt like, though, was committing suicide. I felt like jumping out the window. I probably would've done it, too, if I'd been sure somebody'd cover me up as soon as I landed. I didn't want a bunch of stupid rubbernecks looking at me when I was all gory.

我在浴室里呆了约莫一个小时，洗了一个澡。随后我回到床上。我过了好一会儿才睡着——我甚至不觉得困——可我终于睡着了。我当时倒是真想自杀。我很想从窗口跳出去。我可能也真会那样做，要是我确实知道我一触到地上马上就会有人拿布把我盖起来。我不希望自己浑身是血的时候有一嘟噜傻瓜蛋伸长脖子看着我。