Rhett’s message had been:
“Mrs. Wilkes ill. Come home immediately.”
Twilight had fallen when the train pulled into Atlanta and a light misting rain obscured the town. The gas street lamps glowed dully, blobs of yellow in the fog. Rhett was waiting for her at the depot with the carriage. The very sight of his face frightened her more than his telegram. She had never seen it so expressionless before.
瑞德的电报是这样的:
“威尔克斯太太病重速归。”
火车驶进亚特兰大时,暮色已浓,加上一片蒙蒙细雨,城市就更显得朦胧不清了。街灯暗淡地照着,像雾中一些昏黄的斑点似的。瑞德带着一辆马车在车站等候她。她一看他的脸色,便比收到的电报时惊慌了。她以前从没见过他这样毫无表情呢。
“She isn’t—” she cried.
“No. She’s still alive.” Rhett assisted her into the carriage. “To Mrs. Wilkes’ house and as fast as you can go,” he ordered the coachman.
“What’s the matter with her? I didn’t know she was ill. She looked all right last week. Did she have an accident? Oh, Rhett, it isn’t really as serious as you—”
“She’s dying,” said Rhett and his voice had no more expression than his face. “She wants to see you.”
“Not Melly! Oh, not Melly! What’s happened to her?”
“她没有--"她惊叫道。
“没有。她还活着。”瑞德搀扶着她上了马车。“去威尔克斯太太家,越快越好,”他这样吩咐车夫。
“她怎么了?我没听说她生病嘛。上星期还好好的。她遇到了什么意外吗?唔,瑞德,情况并不像你说的那么严重吧?”
“她快死了,"瑞德说,声音也像面色一样毫无表情:“她要见你。"
“媚兰不会的!啊,媚兰不会的!她究竟出了什么毛病呀?"
“She’s had a miscarriage.”
“A—a-mis—but, Rhett, she—” Scarlett floundered. This information on top of the horror of his announcement took her breath away.
“You did not know she was going to have a baby?”
She could not even shake her head.
“Ah, well. I suppose not. I don’t think she told anyone. She wanted it to be a surprise. But I knew.”
“她小产了。"
“小产,可是,瑞德,她--"思嘉早已给吓得说不出话。这个消息紧跟着瑞德宣布的濒危状况,使她连气都喘不过来了。
“你不知道她怀孕了吗?”
她甚至连头也没有摇一摇。
“哎,是的,我看你不会知道。我想她不会告诉任何人的。她要叫人家大吃一惊呢。不过我知道。"
“You knew? But surely she didn’t tell you!”
She didn’t have to tell me. I knew. She’s been so—happy these last two months I knew it couldn’t mean anything else.”
“But Rhett, the doctor said it would kill her to have another baby!”
“It has killed her,” said Rhett. And to the coachman: “For God’s sake, can’t you drive faster?”
“But, Rhett, she can’t be dying! I—I didn’t and I—”
“你知道?她绝不会告诉你的!”
“她没有必要告诉我。不过我能猜到。最近两个月她显得那么高兴,我就猜这不可能是别的原故。"
“可是瑞德,大夫曾说过,如果再生孩子就要她的命了!”
“现在就要她的命了,"瑞德说。接着他责问马车夫:“看在上帝面上,你能不能更快一点?"
“不过,瑞德,她不见得会死的!我--我都没有-—"
“She hasn’t your strength. She’s never had any strength. She’s never had anything but heart.”
The carriage rocked to a standstill in front of the flat little house and Rhett handed her out. Trembling, frightened, a sudden feeling of loneliness upon her, she clasped his arm.
“You’re coming in, Rhett?”
“No,” he said and got back into the carriage.
“她的抵抗力没有你好。她一向是没有什么抵抗力的。除了一颗好心以外,她什么也没有。"
马车在一座小小的平房前嘎的一声停住,瑞德扶她下了车,她胆颤心惊,一种突如起来的孤独感袭上心头为,她紧紧抓住他的臂膀。
“你也进去吧,瑞德?”
“不,”他说了一声便回到马车里去了。
“She asked for you,” he said. “She asked for you.”
“Can I see her now?” She turned toward the closed door of Melanie’s room.
“No. Dr. Meade is in there now. I’m glad you’ve come, Scarlett”
“I came as quickly as I could.” Scarlett shed her bonnet and her cloak. “The train— She isn’t really— Tell me, she’s better, isn’t she, Ashley? Speak to me! Don’t look like that! She isn’t really—”
“她要见你,"他说,“她要见你。”
“我现在就去看她好吗?"她回头看看媚兰的卧室,卧室是关着的。
“不,米德大夫在里面。我很高兴你回来了,思嘉。"
“我是尽快赶回来的。“思嘉将帽子和外衣脱了。"火车--她不是真的--告诉我,她好些了,是不是,艾希礼?你说呀!别这样愣着嘛!她不见得真的--"
“I don’t believe it!” she cried stormily, looking into the three drawn faces as though defying them to contradict her. “And why didn’t Melanie tell me? I’d never have gone to Marietta if I’d known!”
Ashley’s eyes awoke and were tormented.
“She didn’t tell anyone, Scarlett, especially not you. She was afraid you’d scold her if you knew. She wanted to wait three—till she thought it safe and sure and then surprise you all and laugh and say how wrong the doctors had been. And she was so happy. You know how she was about babies—how much she’s wanted a little girl. And everything went so well until—and then for no reason at all—”
“我决不相信!"她大声喊道,一面注视着面前那三张绷紧的面孔,仿佛质问他们敢不敢反驳似的。"为什么媚兰没告诉我呢?如果我早已经知道,就不会到马里塔去了。"
艾希礼的眼神好像忽然清醒过来,感到很痛苦似的。
“她没有告诉任何人,思嘉,特别是没有告诉你。她怕你知道了会责备她。她想等待三个月--到她认为已经安稳和有把握了的时候才说出来,叫你们全都大吃一惊,并笑话大夫们居然诊断错了。而且她是非常高兴的。你知道她对婴儿的那种态度--她多么希望有个小女孩。何况一切都顺利,直到--后来,无原无故地--"
“So you finally got here,” he said.
Before she could answer, Ashley started toward the closed door.
“Not you, yet,” said the doctor. “She wants to speak to Scarlett.”
“Doctor,” said India, putting a hand on his sleeve. Though her voice was toneless, it plead more loudly than words. “Let me see her for a moment. I’ve been here since this morning, waiting, but she— Let me see her for a moment. I want to tell her—must tell her—that I was wrong about—something.”
你毕竟还是来了,"他说。
她还没来得及回答,艾希礼便要向那关着的门走去。
“你先不要去,"大夫说。"她要跟思嘉说话呢。"
“大夫,让我进去看她一眼吧,"英迪亚拉着他的衣袖着。她的声音尽管听起来很平谈,但比大声的要求更加诚恳。"我今天一早就来了,一直等着,可是她--就让我去看看吧,哪怕一分钟也行。我要告诉她--一定要告诉她--我错了,在--在有些事情上。"
She did not look at Ashley or Scarlett as she spoke, but Dr. Meade allowed his cold glance to fall on Scarlett.
“I’ll see, Miss India,” he said briefly. “But only if you’ll give me your word not to use up her strength telling her you were wrong. She knows you were wrong and it will only worry her to hear you apologize.”
Pitty began, timidly: “Please, Dr. Meade—”
“Miss Pitty, you know you’d scream and faint.”
Pitty drew up her stout little body and gave the doctor glance for glance. Her eyes were dry and there was dignity in every curve.
她说这些时,眼睛没有看艾希礼或思嘉,可是米德大夫冷冷的目光却自然地落到了思嘉身上。
“等会儿再说吧,英迪亚小姐,"他简单地说。"不过你得答应我不说你错了这些话去刺激她。她知道是你错了。你这时候去道歉只会增加她的烦恼。"
皮蒂也怯生生地开口了:”我请你,米德大夫--"
“皮蒂小姐,你明白你是会尖叫的,会晕过去的。"
皮蒂挺了挺她那胖胖的小个儿,向大夫妻一眼。她的眼睛是干的,但充满了庄严的神色。
“Well, all right, honey, a little later,” said the doctor, more kindly. “Come, Scarlett.”
They tiptoed down the hall to the closed door and the doctor put his hand on Scarlett’s shoulder in a hard grip.
“Now, Miss,” he whispered briefly, “no hysterics and no deathbed confessions from you or, before God, I will wring your neck! Don’t give me any of your innocent stares. You know what I mean. Miss Melly is going to die easily and you aren’t going to ease your own conscience by telling her anything about Ashley. I’ve never harmed a woman yet, but if you say anything now—you’ll answer to me.”
“好吧,亲爱的,稍等一等,"大夫显得和气些了。"来吧,思嘉。"
他们轻轻地走过穿堂,向那关着的门走去,一路上大夫的手紧紧抓住思嘉的肩膀。
“我说,小姐,"他低声说,"不要激动,也不要作什么临终时的忏悔,否则,凭上帝起誓,我会扭断你的脖子!你用不着这样呆呆地瞧着我。你明明懂得我的意思。我要让媚兰小姐平平静静地死去,你不要只顾减轻自己良心上的负担,告诉她关于艾希礼的什么事。我从没伤害过一个女人,可是如果你此刻说那种话--那后果就得由你自己承担了。"
“I must hold her! I can’t let her get away!” she thought and sank beside the bed with a rustle of skirts. Hastily she grasped the limp hand lying on the coverlet and was frightened anew by its chill.
“It’s me, Melly,” she said.
Melanie’s eyes opened a slit and then, as if having satisfied herself that it was really Scarlett, she closed them again. After a pause she drew a breath and whispered:
“我一定要留住她!我决不能让她走!"她一面想,一面提着裙子在床边刷的一声颓然坐下。她立即抓起一只搁在床单上的软弱的手,发觉它已经冰凉,便又吓住了。
“我来了媚兰,"她说。
媚兰的眼睛睁开一条缝,接着,仿佛发现真是思嘉而感到很满意似的,又闭上眼,停了一会,她叹了一口气轻轻地说:
“Promise me?”
“Oh, anything!”
“Beau—look after him.”
Scarlett could only nod, a strangled feeling in her throat, and she gently pressed the hand she held by way of assent.
“I give him to you.” There was the faintest trace of a smile. “I gave him to you, once before—‘member?—before he was born.”
“答应我吗?"
“啊,什么都答应!”
“小博--照顾他。”
思嘉只能点点头,感到喉咙里被什么堵住了,同时紧紧捏了一下握着的那只手表示同意。
“我把他交给你了,"她脸上流露出一丝微微的笑容。"我从前已经把他交给过你一次记得吗?--还在他出生以前。"
“I’ve killed her,” she thought, in superstitious agony. “I wished so often she would die and God heard me and is punishing me.”
“Oh, Melly, don’t talk like that! You know you’ll pull through this—”
“No. Promise.”
Scarlett gulped.
“You know I promise. I’ll treat him like he was my own boy.”
“是我害死了她,"她怀着一种迷信的恐惧这样想。"我以前时常巴望她死,上帝都听见了,因此现在要惩罚我了。"
“啊,媚兰,别这样说了!你知道你是会闯过这一--"
“不。请答应我。"
思嘉忍不住要哽咽了。
“你知道我答应了。我会把他当做自己的孩子一样看待。"
College?” asked Melanie’s fault flat voice.
“Oh, yes! The university and Harvard and Europe and anything he wants—and—and—a pony—and music lessons— Oh, please, Melly, do try! Do make an effort!”
The silence fell again and on Melanie’s face there were signs of a struggle to gather strength to speak.
“Ashley,” she said. “Ashley and you—” Her voice faltered into stillness.
上大学?"媚兰用微弱的声音说。
“唔,是的!上大学,到哈佛去,到欧洲去,只要他愿意,什么都行--还有--还有一匹小马驹--学音乐--唔,媚兰,你试试看!你使一把劲呀!"
又没声息了,从媚兰脸上看得出她在挣扎着竭力要往下说。
“艾希礼,"她说,"艾希礼和你--"她的声音颤抖着,说不出来了。
“O God,” she prayed rapidly, “do, please, let her live! I’ll make it up to her. I’ll be so good to her. I’ll never even speak to Ashley again as long as I live, if You’ll only let her get well!”
“Ashley,” said Melanie feebly and her fingers readied out to touch Scarlett’s bowed head. Her thumb and forefinger tugged with no more strength than that of a baby at Scarlett’s hair. Scarlett knew what that meant, knew Melanie wanted her to look up. But she could not, could not meet Melanie’s eyes and read that knowledge in them.
“Ashley,” Melanie whispered again and Scarlett gripped herself. When she looked God in the face on the Day of Judgment and read her sentence in His eyes, it would not be as bad as this. Her soul cringed but she raised her head.
“上帝啊,"她心里急忙祈祷,"求求你了,请让她活下去!我一定要好好报答她。我要对她很好,很好。我这一辈子决不再跟艾希礼说一句话了,只要你让她好好活下去啊!"
“艾希礼,"媚兰气息奄奄地说,一面将手指伸到思嘉那伏着的头上。她的大拇指和食指用微弱得像个婴儿似的力气拉了拉思嘉的头发。思嘉懂得这是什么意思,知道媚兰是要她抬起头来。但是她不能,她不能对媚兰的眼睛,并从中看出她已经知道了那件事的神色。
“艾希礼,"媚兰又一次低声说,同时思嘉极力克制自己,她此刻的心情难过到了极点,恐怕在最后审判日正视上帝并读着对她的判决时也不过如此了。她的灵魂在颤抖,但她还是抬起头来。
She saw only the same dark loving eyes, sunken and drowsy with death, the same tender mouth tiredly fighting pain for breath. No reproach was there, no accusation and no fear—only an anxiety that she might not find strength for words.
For a moment Scarlett was too stunned to even feel relief. Then, as she held Melanie’s hand more closely, a flood of warm gratitude to God swept over her and, for the first time since her childhood, she said a humble, unselfish prayer.
“Thank You, God. I know I’m not worth it but thank You for not letting her know.”
她看见的仍是同一双黑黑的亲切的眼睛,尽管因濒于死亡已经深陷而模糊了,还有那张在痛苦中无力地挣扎着要说出声来的温柔的嘴。没有责备,也没有指控和恐惧的意思--只有焦急,恨自己没有力气说话了。
思嘉一时间惊惶失措,还来不及产生放心的感觉。接着,当她把媚兰的手握得更紧时,一阵对上帝的感激之情涌上心头,同时,从童年时代起,她第一次在心中谦卑而无私地祈祷起来。
“感谢上帝。我知道我是不配的,但是我要感激您没有让他知道啊!"
“What about Ashley, Melly?”
“You’ll—look after him?”
“Oh, yes.”
“He catches cold—so easily.”
There was a pause.
“Look after—his business—you understand?”
“Yes, I understand. I will.”
“关于艾希礼有什么事呢,媚兰?"
“你会--照顾他吗?"
“唔,会的。"
“他感冒--很容易感冒。"
又停了一会。
“照顾--他的事业--你明白吗?”
“唔,明白,我会照顾的。”
She made a great effort.
“Ashley isn’t—practical.”
Only death could have forced that disloyalty from Melanie.
“Look after him, Scarlett—but—don’t ever let him know.”
“I’ll look after him and the business too, and I’ll never let him know. I’ll just kind of suggest things to him.”
她作出一次很大的努力。
“艾希礼不--不能干。”
只有死亡才迫使媚兰说出了对他的批评。
“照顾他,思嘉--不过-—千万别让她知道。"
“我会照顾他和他的事业,我也决不让他知道。我只用适当的方式向他建议。"
Melanie managed a small smile but it was a triumphant one as her eyes met Scarlett’s again. Their glance sealed the bargain that the protection of Ashley Wilkes from a too harsh world was passing from one woman to another and that Ashley’s masculine pride should never be humbled by this knowledge.
Now the struggle went out of the tired face as though with Scarlett’s promise, ease had come to her.
“You’re so smart—so brave—always been so good to me—”
媚兰尽力露出一丝放心的隐隐的微笑,但这是胜利的微笑,这时她的目光和思嘉的眼光又一次相遇了。她们彼此交换的这一片眼光便完成了一宗交易,那就是说,保护艾希礼不至于被这过于残酷的世界所捉弄的义务从一个女人转移到了另一个女人身上。同时,为了维护艾希礼的男性自尊心,保证决不让他知道这件事。
现在媚兰脸上已没有那种痛苦挣扎的神色了,仿佛在得到思嘉的许诺之后她又恢复了平静。
“你真聪明能干--真勇敢--一向待我那么好--"
At these words, the sob came freely to Scarlett’s throat and she clapped her hand over her mouth. Now, she was going to bawl like a child and cry out: “I’ve been a devil! I’ve wronged you so! I never did anything for you! It was all for Ashley.”
She rose to her feet abruptly, sinking her teeth into her thumb to regain her control. Rhett’s words came back to her again, “She loves you. Let that be your cross.” Well, the cross was heavier now. It was bad enough that she had tried by every art to take Ashley from her. But now it was worse that Melanie, who had trusted her blindly through life, was laying the same love and trust on her in death. No, she could not speak. She could not even say again: “Make an effort to live.” She must let her go easily, without a struggle, without tears, without sorrow.
思嘉听了这些话,觉得喉咙里又堵得慌,忍不住要哽咽了,于是她用手拼命捂住自己的嘴。她几乎要像孩子似的大喊大叫,痛痛快地说:“我是个魔鬼!我一直是冤屈你的!我从来没替你做过任何什么事情!那全都是为了艾希礼呀!"
她陡地站起身来,使劲地咬住自己的大拇指,想重新控制住自己。这时瑞德的话又回到她的耳边:“她是爱你的。让这成为你良心上一个十字架吧。"可如今这十字架更加沉重了。她曾经千方百计想把艾希礼从媚兰身边夺走,已是够罪过的了。现在,终生盲目信任她的媚兰又在临终前把同样的爱和信任寄托到她身上,这就更加深了她的罪孽。不,她不能说。她哪怕只再说一声:“努一把力活下去吧,"也是不行的。她必须让她平平静静地死去,没有挣扎,没有眼泪,也没有悔憾。
The door opened slightly and Dr. Meade stood on the threshold, beckoning imperiously. Scarlett bent over the bed, choking back her tears and taking Melanie’s hand, laid it against her cheek.
“Good night,” she said, and her voice was steadier than she thought it possibly could be.
“Promise me—” came the whisper, very softly now.
“Anything, darling.”
“Captain Butler—be kind to him. He—loves you so.”
门稍稍开了,米德大夫站在门口急平地招呼她。思嘉朝床头俯下身去,强忍着眼泪,把媚兰的手拿起来轻轻贴在自己的在面颊上。
“晚安,"她说,那声音比她自己所担心的要更坚定些。
“答应我--"媚兰低声,声音显得更加柔和了。
“我什么都答应,亲爱的。”
“巴特勒船长--要好好待他。他--那样爱你。"
“Rhett?” thought Scarlett, bewildered, and the words meant nothing to her.
“Yes, indeed,” she said automatically and, pressing a light kiss on the hand, laid it back on the bed.
“Tell the ladies to come in immediately,” whispered the doctor as she passed through the door.
Through blurred eyes she saw India and Pitty follow the doctor into the room, holding their skirts close to their sides to keep them from rustling. The door closed behind them and the house was still. Ashley was nowhere to be seen. Scarlett leaned her head against the wall, like a naughty child in a corner, and rubbed her aching throat.
“瑞德?"思嘉觉得有点迷惑,觉得这句话对她毫无意义。
“是的,是这样,"她机械地说,又轻轻吻了吻那只手,然后把它放在床单上。
“叫小姐太太立即进来吧,"思嘉跨出门槛时米德大夫低声说。
思嘉泪眼模糊地看见英迪亚和皮蒂跟着大夫走进房里,她们把裙子提得高高的,免得发出声响。门关上了,屋里一片寂静。艾希礼不知到哪里去了。思嘉将头靠在墙壁上,像个躲在角落里的顽皮的孩子,一面磨擦着疼痛的咽喉。
Scarlett felt her courage and self-confidence ooze from her as she realized that the sword which had flashed between her and the world was sheathed forever.
“Melly is the only woman friend I ever had,” she thought forlornly, “the only woman except Mother who really loved me. She’s like Mother, too. Everyone who knew her has clung to her skirts.”
Suddenly it was as if Ellen were lying behind that closed door, leaving the world for a second time. Suddenly she was standing at Tara again with the world about her ears, desolate with the knowledge that she could not face life without the terrible strength of the weak, the gentle, the tender hearted.
思嘉明白那把宝剑,那把曾经寒光闪闪的保护她不受世人欺凌的宝剑,如今已永远插入鞘中,因此她的勇气和自信也慢慢消失了。
“媚兰是我一生中唯一的女友,"她绝望地想,"除了母亲以外,她是唯一真正爱我的女人。她也像母亲那样。凡是认识她的人都跟她亲近。"
突然,她觉得那关着的门里躺着的好像就是她母亲,她是第二次在告别这个世界。突然她又站在塔拉,周围的人都在认论,而她感到十分孤独,她知道失去那个软弱,文雅而仁慈善良的人的非凡力量,她是无法面对生活的。
She stood in the hall, irresolute, frightened, and the glaring light of the fire in the sitting room threw tall dim shadows on the walls about her. The house was utterly still and the stillness soaked into her like a fine chill rain. Ashley! Where was Ashley?
She went toward the sitting room seeking him like a cold animal seeking the fire but he was not there. She must find him. She had discovered Melanie’s strength and her dependence on it only to lose it in the moment of discovery but there was still Ashley left. There was Ashley who was strong and wise and comforting. In Ashley and his love lay strength upon which to lay her weakness, courage to bolster her fear, ease for her sorrow.
她站在穿堂里,又犹豫又害怕,起居室里的熊熊火光将一睦高大的阴影投射在她周围墙壁上。屋里静极了,这寂静像一阵凄冷的细雨渗透她的全身。艾希礼!艾希礼到哪里去了?
她跑到起居室去找他,好像一只挨冻的动物在寻找火似的,但是他不在那里。她一定要找到他。她发现了媚兰的力量和她自己对这个力量的依赖,只是一发现就丧失了,不过艾希礼还在呢。艾希礼,这个又强壮又聪明并且善于安慰人的人,他还在呢。艾希礼和他的爱能给人以力量,她可以用来弥补自己的软弱,他有胆量,可以用来驱除她的恐惧,他有安闲自在的态度,可以冲淡她的忧愁。她想,
He must be in his room, she thought, and tiptoeing down the hall, she knocked softly. There was no answer, so she pushed the door open. Ashley was standing in front of the dresser, looking at a pair of Melanie’s mended gloves. First he picked up one and looked at it, as though he had never seen it before. Then he laid it down gently, as though it were made of glass, and picked up the other one.
She said: “ Ashley!” in a trembling voice and he turned slowly and looked at her. The drowsy aloofness had gone from his gray eyes and they were wide and unmasked. In them she saw fear that matched her own fear, helplessness weaker than her own, bewilderment more profound than she would ever know. The feeling of dread which had possessed her in the hall deepened as she saw his face. She went toward him.
"他一定在他自己房里,"于是踮着脚尖走过穿堂,轻轻敲他的门。里面没有声音,她便把门推开了。艾希礼站在梳妆台前面,对着一双媚兰修补过的手套出神。他先拿起一只,注视着它,仿佛以前从没见过似的。然后他把手套那么轻轻地放下,似乎它是玻璃的,随即把另一只拿起来。
她用颤抖的声音喊道:“艾希礼!"他慢慢地转过身来看着她。他那灰色的眼睛里已经没有那种朦胧的冷漠的神色,却睁得大大的,显得毫无遮掩。她从那里面看到的恐惧与她自己的不相上下,但显得更孤弱无助,还有一种深沉得她从没见过的惶惑与迷惘之感。她看到他的脸,原来在穿堂里浑身感到的那种恐怖反而加深了。她向他走去。
“I’m frightened,” she said. “Oh, Ashley, hold me. I’m so frightened!”
He made no move to her but stared, gripping the glove tightly in both hands. She put a hand on his arm and whispered: “What is it?”
His eyes searched her intently, hunting, hunting desperately for something he did not find. Finally he spoke and his voice was not his own.
“我害怕,"她说。"唔,艾希礼,请扶住我,我害怕极了!"
他一动不动,只注视着,双手紧紧地抓着那只手套。她将一只手放在他胳臂上,低声说:“那是什么?"
他的眼睛仔细地打量着她,仿佛拼命要从她身上搜索出没有找到的东西似的。最后他开口说话,但声音好像不是他自己的了。
“I was wanting you,” he said. “I was going to run and find you—run like a child wanting comfort—and I find a child, more frightened, running to me.”
“Not you—you can’t be frightened,” she cried. “Nothing has ever frightened you. But I— You’ve always been so strong—”
“If I’ve ever been strong, it was because she was behind me,” he said, his voice breaking, and he looked down at the glove and smoothed the fingers. “And—and—all the strength I ever had is going with her.”
“我刚才正需要你,"他说。"我正要去寻找你--像个需要安慰的孩子一样--可是我找到的是个孩子,他比我更害怕,而且急着找我来了。"
“你不会--你不可能害怕,"她喊道。"你从来没有害怕过。可是我--你一向是那么坚强--"
“如果说我一向很坚强,那是因为有她在背后支持我,"他说,声音有点哑了,一面俯视手套。抚摩那上面的指头。"而且--而且--我本来所有的力量也会要跟他一起消失了。"
There was such a note of wild despair in his low voice that she dropped her hand from his arm and stepped back. And in the heavy silence that fell between them, she felt that she really understood him for the first time in her life.
“Why—” she said slowly, “why, Ashley, you love her, don’t you?”
He spoke as with an effort.
“She is the only dream I ever had that lived and breathed and did not die in the face of reality.”
“Dreams!” she thought, an old irritation stirring. “Always dreams with him! Never common sense!”
他那低沉的声音中有那么一种痛感绝望的语调,使得她把搭在他臂上的那只手抽回来,同时倒退了两步。他们两个都不说话,这时她才觉得有生以来头一次真正了解他。
“怎么--"她慢吞吞地说,"怎么,艾希礼,你爱她,是不是?"
他好像费了很大力气才说出话来。
“她是我曾经有过的唯一的梦想,唯一活着、呼吸着、在现实面前没有消失过的梦想。”
“全是梦想!"她心里暗忖着,以前那种容易恼怒的脾气又要发作了。“他念念不忘的就是梦,从来不谈实际!"
With a heart that was heavy and a little bitter, she said: “You’ve been such a fool, Ashley. Why couldn’t you see that she was worth a million of me?”
“Scarlett, please! If you only knew what I’ve gone through since the doctor—”
“What you’ve gone through! Don’t you think that I— Oh, Ashley, you should have known, years ago, that you loved her and not me! Why didn’t you! Everything would have been so different, so— Oh, you should have realized and not kept me dangling with all your talk about honor and sacrifice! If you’d told me, years ago, I’d have— It would have killed me but I could have stood it somehow. But you wait till now, till Melly’s dying, to find it out and now it’s too late to do anything. Oh, Ashley, men are supposed to know such things—not women! You should have seen so clearly that you loved her all the time and only wanted me like—like Rhett wants that Watling woman!”
她怀着沉重而略觉痛苦的心情说:“你一向就是这样一个傻瓜,艾希礼。你怎么看不出她比我要好上一百万倍呢?"
“思嘉,求求你了!只要你知道我忍受了多少痛苦,自从大夫--"
“忍受了多少痛苦!难道你不认为--唔,艾希礼,你许多年前就应当知道你爱的是她而不是我!你干吗不知道呢?要是知道了,一切就会完全不一样了,完全--唔,你早就应当明白,不要用你那些关于名誉和牺牲一类的话来敷衍我,让我一直迷恋你而不知悔改。你要是许多年前就告诉了我,我就会--尽管当时我会非常伤心,但我还是能挺得住的,可是你一直等到现在,等到媚兰快死的时候,才发现这个事实,可现在已经太晚了,什么办法也不能挽救了。唔,艾希礼,男人应该是懂得这种事的--但是女人并不懂啊!你本该早就看得清清楚楚,你始终在爱她,而我呢,你要我只不过像--像瑞德要沃特琳那个女人一样!"
“Forgive me, darling,” she said gently, putting out her arms. “I know what you must be suffering. But remember, she doesn’t know anything—she never even suspected— God was that good to us.”
He came to her quickly and his arms went round her blindly. She tiptoed to bring her warm cheek comfortingly against his and with one hand she smoothed the back of his hair.
“Don’t cry, sweet. She’d want you to be brave. She’ll want to see you in a moment and you must be brave. She mustn’t see that you’ve been crying. It would worry her.”
“饶恕我吧,亲爱的,"她亲切地说,一面伸出她的两臂。“我明白你得忍受多大的痛苦。但是请记住,她什么也不知道--她甚至从来不曾起过疑心--上帝对我们真好埃"
他迅速走过来,张开两臂盲目地把她抱祝她踮起脚尖将自己暖的面颊温存贴在他脸上,同时用一只手抚摩他后脑上的头发。
“别哭了,亲爱的。她希望你勇敢些。她希望马上能看到你,你得坚强一点才好。决不要让她看出你刚刚哭过。那会使她难过的。"
He held her in a grip that made breathing difficult and his choking voice was in her ear.
“What will I do? I can’t—I can’t live without her!”
“I can’t either,” she thought, shuddering away from the picture of the long years to come, without Melanie. But she caught herself in a strong grasp. Ashley was depending on her, Melanie was depending on her. As once before, in the moonlight at Tara, drunk, exhausted, she had thought: “Burdens are for shoulders strong enough to carry them.” Well, her shoulders were strong and Ashley’s were not. She squared her shoulders for the load and with a calmness she was far from feeling, kissed his wet cheek without fever or longing or passion, only with cool gentleness.
他紧紧抱住她,使她呼吸都困难了,同时他哽咽着在她耳边絮语。
“我怎么办啊?没有她我可活不成了!”
“我也活不成呢,"她心里想,这时她仿佛看见了后半生没有媚兰的情景,便打了一个寒噤闪开了。但是她牢牢地克制住自己。艾希礼依靠她,媚兰也依靠她。记得过去有一次,在塔拉月光下,她喝醉了,已十分疲惫,那时她想过:“担子是要由肩强膀壮的人去挑的。“她吧,她的肩膀的强壮的,而艾希礼的却不是。她挺起胸膛,准备挑这副重担,同时以一种自己也没感觉的镇静吻了吻艾希礼泪湿的脸颊,这次的吻已经不带一丝狂热,也不带渴望和激情了,而只有凉凉的温柔罢了。
“We shall manage—somehow,” she said.
A door opened with sudden violence into the hall and Dr. Meade called with sharp urgency:
“Ashley! Quick!”
“My God! She’s gone!” thought Scarlett “And Ashley didn’t get to tell her good-by! But maybe—”
“Hurry!” she cried aloud, giving him a push, for he stood staring like one stunned. “Hurry!”
She pulled open the door and motioned him through. Galvanized by her words, he ran into the hall, the glove still clasped closely in his hand. She heard his rapid steps for a moment and then the closing of a door.
“我们总会有办法的,"她说。
媚兰的房门猛地打开了,米德大夫急切地喊道:
“艾希礼!快!"
“我的上帝!她完了!"思嘉心想:“可艾希礼没来得及跟她告别啊!不过也许--"
“快!"她高声喊道,一面推了他一把,因为他依旧呆呆地站着不动。"快!"
她拉开门,把他推出门去。艾希礼被她的话猛然惊醒,急忙跑进穿堂,手里还紧抓着那只手套。她听见他急促地脚步一路响去,接着是隐约的关门声。
She said, “My God!” again and walking slowly to the bed, sat down upon it and dropped her head in her hands. She was suddenly tired, more tired than she had ever been in all her life. With the sound of the closing door, the strain under which she had been laboring, the strain which had given her strength, suddenly snapped. She felt exhausted in body and drained of emotions. Now she felt no sorrow or remorse, no fear or amazement. She was tired and her mind ticked away dully, mechanically, as the clock on the mantel.
Out of the dullness, one thought arose. Ashley did not love her and had never really loved her and the knowledge did not hurt. It should hurt. She should be desolate, broken hearted, ready to scream at fate. She had relied upon his love for so long. It had upheld her through so many dark places. Yet, there the truth was. He did not love her and she did not care. She did not care because she did not love him. She did not love him and so nothing he could do or say could hurt her.
她又喊了一声"我的上帝!"一面慢慢向床边走去,坐在床上,然后低下头来,用两只手捧住头。她突然感到特别疲倦,好像有生以来还从没过这样疲倦。原来当她听到那隐约的关门声时,她那浑身的紧张状态,那给了她力量一直在奋斗的紧张状态,便突然松懈下来。她觉得自己已筋疲力尽,感情枯竭,已没有悲伤和悔恨,没有恐惧和惊异了。她疲倦,她的心在迟钝地机械的跳动,就像壁炉架上那座时钟似的。
从那感觉迟钝近乎麻木的状态中,有一个思想慢慢明晰起来。艾希礼并不爱她,并且从没有真心爱过她,但认识到这一点她并不感到痛苦。这本来应该是很痛苦的。她本该感到凄凉,伤心,发出绝望的喊叫。因为她期依靠着他的爱在生活。它支持着她闯过了那么多艰难险阻。不过,事实毕竟是事实。他不爱她,而她也并不乎。她不在乎,因为她已经不爱他了。她不爱他,所以无论他做什么说什么,都不会使她伤心了。
She lay down on the bed and put her head on the pillow tiredly. Useless to try to combat the idea, useless to say to herself: “But I do love him. I’ve loved him for years. Love can’t change to apathy in a minute.”
But it could change and it had changed.
“He never really existed at all, except in my imagination,” she thought wearily. “I loved something I made up, something that’s just as dead as Melly is. I made a pretty suit of clothes and fell in love with it. And when Ashley came riding along, so handsome, so different, I put that suit on him and made him wear it whether it fitted him or not. And I wouldn’t see what he really was. I kept on loving the pretty clothes—and not him at all.”
她在床上躺下来,脑袋疲惫地搁在枕头上。要设法排除这个念头是没有用的;要对自己说:“可是我的确爱他。我爱了他多少年。爱情不能在顷刻之间变得冷谈。”
那也是没有用的。但是它能变,而且已经变了。
“除了在我的想像中外,他从来就没有真正存在过,"她厌倦地想。"我爱的是某个我自己虚构的东西,那个东西就像媚兰一样死了。我缝制了一套美的衣服,并且爱上了它。后来艾希礼骑着马跑来,他显得那么漂亮,那么与众不同,我便把那套衣服给他穿上,也不管他穿了是否合适。我不想看清楚他究竟怎么样。我一直爱着那套美丽的衣服--而根本不是爱他这个人。"