·小编的爸爸领小编参观火腿肠加工厂，小编的爸爸对小编说：我们的设备是世界上最先进，这边猪进去，那边火腿肠就出来了。小编问：有没有这样的设备，这边火腿肠进去那边猪就出来呢？小编的爸爸白了小编一眼说：你妈就有这个功能。
·一天夜晚,皇帝打算做一个“谁是正人君子”的测试,于是叫来一美女,在她胸部抹上黑炭,熄灭灯后让大臣们一一从美女身边走过,一个时辰过后,再将灯点上.皇帝发现大臣们的手都是黑的,只有小编的手是干净的,皇帝宣布:“小编才是真正的正人君子!” 小编得意地笑了起来,露出了一嘴黑牙
快! 快! 快! 逮到小编了。
二楼快拿绳子来!快点!
三楼架锅架锅,多放点水 不要放油!小编太肥了!
四楼葱花芝麻备好。
操 !五楼你脱裤子干嘛?这个不能日!不能日!!这样你去帮六楼把柴火烧大些!
剩下的都别看了快来帮把手把小编抬锅里去,一 二 三 走~你~ 操！怎么扔火里了!
连络簿里，老师让学生用「皱纹」一词造句，当家庭作业。
小强写道︰「我爸爸的蛋有很多皱纹。 」
老师写给家长评语︰
〝不要把什么地方都给小孩子看，影响身心发展，很不好。〞
爸爸回覆︰……… ……… ………
这孩子经常漏东忘西的，真是粗心，他少写了一个「脸」字。
"妈妈，你为什么要煮爸爸的筷子和碗呢？""因为爸爸上班的地方发生了传染病，爸爸被感染了，所以爸爸嘴巴碰过的东西都要煮一煮，这样叫做消毒，你懂不懂?""哦！这么回事。可是，妈妈，你为会么不煮一煮隔壁的阿姨呢？"
某承包商因为生意上的原因，准备用一辆新型、豪华的小轿车向一位议员行贿。
这位议员却板起脸说：“先生，通常的行为准则以及我本人的基本荣誉感，都不允许我接受这样的礼物！”
承包商说：“阁下，我很理解您所处的地位，这样吧，我以10美元的价格把这辆车卖给你。”
议员考虑了片刻，断然答道：“既然如此，我就买两辆。”
寝室里，我在朗读一本书：一个男哲学家告诉我们，男人每隔几天就能产生数亿个精子，女人将近一个月才能产生一个卵子，所以一个男人理应娶许多妻子，而一个女人理应忠于一个丈夫。
听完后，宿舍一个哥们很不以为然地冒了一句：我说啊，一个萝卜可以插许多坑，但一个坑只能插一个萝卜。
有一天.有某高级公司要人手，一位高材生跑去应征，老板问他说:你想要什么工作环境，那人说：我想一个月薪水10万，一年有一个月公司用公费让我出国，公司还要用公费让我租房子。老板说：我一个月薪水给你20万，一年有两个月公费让你出国，还有公司还送你一栋房子，那个人惊讶的说:不会吧，这么好，该不会是跟我开玩笑吧。老板说：是你先跟我开玩笑的。
The students in the composition class were assigned the task of writing an essay on "the most beautiful thing I ever saw." The student of,of all the members of the class,seemed the least sensitive to beauty,handed in his paper first with astonishing speed.It was short and to the point.He had written:"The most beautiful thing I ever saw was too beautiful for words.
Mother asked her little boy,"Darling,what did the teacher teach you today?"
"Nothing,Mum,"answered the son proudly,"instead,she asked me how much one plus two was,and I told her three."
Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story.Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer.
"You talk to people on the telephone and don't see them on the other end of the line,right?"he began.The children nodded yes."Well,talking to the God is like talking on the telephone.He's on the other end,but you can't see him.He is listening though."
Just then a little boy piped up and asked,"What's his number?"
Several weeks after a young man had been hired,he was was called into the personnel director's office.
"What is the meaning of this?"the director asked."When you applied for the job,you told us you have five years' experience.Now we discover this is the first job you ever held."
"Well,"the young man said,"in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
"Honey,"said the husband to his wife,"I invited a friend home for supper."
"What?Are you crazy?The house is a mess,I haven't been shopping,all the dishes are dirty,and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Father:You know,Tom,when Lincoln was your age,he was a very good pupil.In fact,he was the best pupil in his class.
Tom:Yes,Father,I know that.But when he was your age,he was the President of the United States.
Tom Cruise and Kaite Holmes were diagreeing with each other and the silent treatment was under way! The silence continued,a week later Tome Cruise needed to get up at 5am to catch a business flight.His alarm clock didn't work,and he grudgingly realized that he needed Katie to wake him up.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silenc,he wrote down on a piece of paper,"Please wake me up at 5 tommorow morning so i cant catch my flight,"and put it on her pillow before she went to bed.
The next morning he awoke and find that it was 9am,he heard Katie in the kitchen,and he had missed his flight.He noticed a note on his pillow.
"it's 5am...Wake up!"
Bill Clinton,Al Gore and Bill Gates all dies in a plane crash and went to meet their Maker.The supreme deity turned to Al and asked,tell what was important about yourself.
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.
God looked to Al and siad,"I like the way you think,come and sit at my left hand."God then asked Bill Clinton what eh revered most.
Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.
God responded,"I like the way you think,come and sit at my right hand."God then turned to Bill Gates,who was staring at him indignantly.
God asked:"What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill responded:"I think you are sitting in my chair."
When Albert Einstein died ,he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside the Pearly Gates.To pass the time,he asked what were their IQs.The first replied 190.
"Wonderful,"Einstein exclaimed."We can discuss the contribution made my ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity."
The second answered 150."Good,"Einstein said."I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace."
The third New Zealander mumbled 50.Einstein paused,and then asked,"So what is your forecast of the budget deficit next year?"